Is this legal?

Occasionally, when I pay a visit to my younger sister at her house, she will be watching television. This in itself is not a big deal, except for what she is watching. Usually those “People Court” type shows. One time, I thought she was watching something on Comedy Central. A rerun of an “SNL” sketch of one of those programs. But no, it was an actual court room studio. The judge was telling jokes, and the spectators looked like they were ready to jump up and either shout “Amen” or “Hallelujah”.
Another time, she was watching a channel that had been broadcasting an actual trial live. I guess it was during a recess period of the trial the network had analysts giving their views of the proceedings up to that point in time. It reminded me of a football game’s halftime show. Maybe this is part of the reason our judicial system is in much need of repairs.
Which brings us to this.. my satirical version of the network legal analysts.

(off screen announcer)
“Now it’s time for The Truth or Dare Network’s Legal Analysis Halftime Show with Bob and Fred.
“This first portion of our Legal Analysis Halftime Show is brought to you by Boris’ Electrical Company. Makers of fine quality electric chairs since 1951. The newest model chair, the “Fryer 3000” comes with titanium clamps and leather straps. It also features several settings – Slightly Singed; Toasted; and Deep Fry. This new chair also has a microwave setting for heating up something quickly. So at your next gathering, try out the new Fryer 3000 electric chair.
“Now, here’s Bob and Fred.”
Bob: “Welcome, everybody, to the Truth or Dare Legal Analysis Halftime Show. Today’s program features Betty Miller on trial for allegedly killing her boyfriend by choking him with her dry meatloaf.”
Fred: “That’s correct, Bob. Betty’s defense attorney claims she served the meal with plenty of gravy to keep the meatloaf moist, and a bottle of dry red wine to help wash the meal down. Meanwhile, the prosecution claims by her serving the dry wine, that only made the meatloaf more difficult to swallow, as it was absorbed by the meat.”
Bob: “I don’t think the prosecution has much of a case based on that assumption, Fred.”
Fred: “Why is that, Bob?”
Bob: “Dry wine is not actually ‘dry’, Fred.”
Fred: “Gotcha, Bob.”
Bob: “We’re gonna break for a quick commercial then come back with the second half of the Truth or Dare Legal Analysis Halftime Show.”

(a few minutes later; announcers Bob and Fred)
Bob: “Welcome back, viewers. The second part of our halftime show is brought to you buy your local Super Walmart.
Fred: “That’s where I do all my shopping, Bob. Good ol’ Wally’s World.”
Bob: “I don’t think we should refer to it as “Wally’s World, Fred.”
Fred: “Why is that, Bob?”
Bob: “I heard there is an adult book store that goes by that name, Fred.”
Fred: “Gotcha, Bob.”
Bob: “We’re going to replay the prosecution’s giving a piece of evidence to the judge. It looks like a piece of the meatloaf, Fred.”
Fred: “It does indeed, Bob, as our overhead cam zooms in on the plate the prosecutor is holding. Does that look dry to you, Bob?”
Bob: “Possibly, Fred. During the commercial break I thought I overheard the prosecutor yelling at someone for bringing him a piece of the meatloaf that was not covered up properly. Which could account for why it looks so dry now, Fred.”
Fred: “Indeed, Bob. I understand even the court’s guide dog would not eat the meatloaf.”
Bob: “Smart dog, Fred.”
Fred: “I think the dog’s name is Rex, Bob.”
Bob: “Gotcha, Fred.”
Bob: “That’s all for now, viewers. Be sure to stay with us after the trial recesses for the day when we will highlight all the courtroom proceedings. See ya later, Fred.”
Fred: “See ya later, Bob.”

(open mic, heard off camera as the closing credits roll)
Fred: “Hey, Bob. I’m hungry. I was thinking of trying that new sandwich shop next door. I hear they make a good meatloaf sandwich.”
Bob: “Sounds good to me, Fred. Let’s go.”

Cat Rescues Residents of Retirement Home

Our beloved owner’s pet cat, Pete, was credited this past week with saving the lives of the staff and the elderly residents of Lulu’s Retirement Home, located at 1313 Wedgie Road in Peat Moss, OK. Pete, who reportedly had been chasing a squirrel around the neighborhood, ran up a tree in the front yard of the home. When he realized he was too far up to jump down, Pete began to cry for help. The crew and tenants at Lulu’s, all 13 of them, came outside in an attempt to help get the cat out of the tree. While doing so, a strong gust of wind, which the National Weather Service later determined was a tornado, blew by and picked up the house from its foundation, and dropped it in a wheat field a mile away. The home’s owner, Miss Lulu LaForge, told us: “Pete is a genuine hero. If it wasn’t for him being stuck in that tree, we would have all been inside that thing when the tornado hit. Who knows what could have happened to us.” One of the residents, Mrs. Dorothy Graham, was asked where she will live now, only said: “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”

bill the cat

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Just curious…

After the Pope retires in a couple of days, do you think he may try taking up the game of golf as many retired men do? If he does, is it possible he may have a bit of an unfair advantage over some of his golfing buddies? I mean, after all, he was Pope, and he did have a direct connection to God. So, if by chance the Pope were to hit a ball into one of the water hazards, would he part the waters to make it easier to find the ball?

A New Soap Opera?

On this week’s episode of “As the Brady Bunch Turns”, after saying the phrase “Marcia, Marcia, Marcia” for the 3,479th time, Jan goes postal; wiping out the entire bunch at a family reunion. Jan then gets committed to a local asylum after going berserk upon learning her court appointed attorney is also named Marcia.
Meanwhile, little Cindy and Bobby discover an unusual plant growing in their neighbor’s back yard. They tell Alice about it, who decides to try some in the next organic salad she makes for the family dinner. Later that evening, Alice is upset because she had to make several trips to the local convenience store to buy cases of snacks for the entire family.

Today in Sports

U.S. Ski Team Buried Under Avalanche 
While training for an upcoming cross country skiing competition in the mountains of Colorado, the U.S. Ski Team was buried under an avalanche of snow. The avalanche is believed to have been triggered when one of the members let out a tremendous sneeze. The team members were finally rescued after having been trapped under the avalanche for two days. All of them were in a state of deep freeze when found. They were taken to a nearby hospital for treatment. A specially heated room was setup in the hospital, with the temperature of the room set at 150 degrees. When the young men and women who make up the ski team were brought in they were quickly taken to this special room. Once inside, the hospital staff removed the frozen clothes then placed the men and women on individual beds, and wrapped each one with thermal blankets in hopes of speeding up the thawing process. Upon returning to the room about eight hours later to check on the members, one of the nurses found several of them almost completely thawed out. On one of the beds though, she found only the blankets that had been covering the team member, and a puddle of water. There was no sign of the skier anywhere. When asked if she had any idea as to what happened, the nurse was quoted as only saying: “Isn’t that the darnest  thing. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Oops! I said too much, didn’t I.” Tryouts for substitute ski team members will be held next week.

Elvis Spotted Working at M&M’s® Candy Factory

Wears Blue Rhinestone Studded Jumpsuit to Work as Disguise
A worker at the M&M’s® candy company in Hackettstown, NJ was tentatively identified as the late King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley. The person making this discovery was none other than our beloved editor’s wife, Mrs. Edna Schirkner. When asked about this latest sighting of the King, Mrs. Schirkner told us: “A bunch of us from our church, the Church of the Holy Smoke, went on a trip to tour the place. They was supposed to give us free samples of the different candy they make. I got off the bus first. While I was waitin’ for everybody else to get off the bus, I was lookin’ ’round. They wouldn’t let us go too far, though. They was afraid we’d get lost or somethin’, I guess. Anyhow, I seen this big blue thing standin’ by the side of the road. It looked all sparkly-like, and looked like it didn’t have much hair on top. I tried to get closer to get a better look. But since I couldn’t leave the group, I finally put my glasses on. Turned out it was just somebody wearing a costume to look like the blue M&M® peanut candy. He was standin’ on the side of the road wavin’ to the cars that drove by.”

Medication Side Defects

One of the reasons I do not watch much television any more is due to the commercials. I enjoy a good humorous one from time to time as much as anybody. But some of the commercials that are broadcast are down right stupid or should never be aired in the first place. Kinda makes you wonder about some of the people in charge at those businesses who approve the making of those types of ads. Plus, to make matters worse, the people who create them are paid thousands of dollars. I’d like a job like that.
Anyways, some of the commercials which annoy me the most are for medicines – over the counter or prescription. Now, mind you, I am not going to name names. Mostly because I do not remember them, nor do I truly care. One of the more memorable ones I heard not long ago listed one of the possible side effects as “sudden death”. Really? That’s a possible side effect? Why in the name of h*ll would I then even consider taking that drug? Not to mention, what doctor in his or her right mind would even prescribe such a medication? Plus, who was the unfortunate soul the medicine was tested on for the makers to discover this possible “side effect”?
There was another one recently mentioning about “doing things when not fully awake” as one of the possible side effects. Which sort of ties in with those 5 hour energy drinks. They are supposed to “wake up” a person so they can go about their day without feeling drowsy. Good thing I wasn’t the one directing a commercial for that drink or pill. It would probably go something like this:
“Hi, I’m Ron. I’m a demolitions expert. Thanks to the energy drink I gulped down, my last 5 hours were spent setting explosive charges faster than I have ever done in my life. See that building over there? I just set the charges on all 10 floors by myself. Now, watch this.” (Flips the switch to detonate the explosives. The entire city block is destroyed.) “Oops! Um; so, um, why not, um, try one of those, um, energy, um, drinks now and, um, see what all, um, you can, um, do with your next, um, 5 hours. Gotta run!”
Another possible side effect is for those erectile dysfunction pills. One effect especially, “if an erection last for more than 4 hours, to see a doctor.” Uh, yeah, right. How many guys are going to do that? If anything, most of them will want to have sex as much as possible for as long as the erection will last. I think that warning should actually read: “if an erection last more than 4 hours, may want sex with almost anything you can find”.

Attention Accident Prone People!

Have you been in a single car accident recently because you were not paying attention to the road? Did you trip on that smooth crack in the sidewalk because you are clumsy? Did a strong gust of wind cause a few acorns to fall on your head from the branches of the tree you were standing under? Do you want to sue someone for any of these or similar incidents but don’t know where to start? Well, you’re in luck, friend! The law firm of Chaser, Chaser, and Slugnutts is on your side! We specialize in frivolous lawsuits. We get as much money as we can from whoever we can con into paying, and keep most of it ourselves. So next time you need a lawyer for something frivolous, give us a call. Dial 1-800-FRAUDSTERS today!

On this date in history

The original Pillsbury doughboy made his first and only TV commercial. It was the only one because someone forgot to tell the clean up crew he was to be placed back into the refrigerator after filming the commercial. Instead, they were spotted serving him up with plenty of butter and jam.