Aries: Don’t look back. You have good reason to feel paranoid with all those followers who aren’t on Twitter.
Taurus: Your horoscope for the month has been postponed due to rain.
Gemini: The Publisher’s Clearing House Prize Patrol gets lost on the way to your house to deliver the grand prize of $10,000,000. They go to Chuck E. Cheese’s instead.
Cancer: Love is in the air. Or is that coming from the local landfill site?
Leo: You will do something romantic for the person you love. Just make sure your cellmate does not find out.
Virgo: Travel to distant lands keeps calling you. Those timeshare sales people can be very annoying.
Libra: You will be well-known wherever you go – for all the wrong reasons.
Scorpio: You’ve been working hard and deserve to fulfill a fantasy or two. Your Doll of the Month Club order has finally been shipped.
Sagittarius: Family matters come into play this month. Hide; the mob is looking for you.
Capricorn: Your dream of being a singing sensation will soon be realized, without appearing on “American Idol” or “The Voice”, thanks to lots of talent and hard work on your part.
Aquarius: Your smart phone is not smarter than you. Repeat. Your smart phone is not smarter than you. Repeat…
Pisces: You think the “Twilight” movies are about the time of day when the sun sets. Good thing you have a short neck and wear shirts with high collars.