Nightmare on Main Street

 

man wearing tutu and tights

Can Rambo top this?

For those of you who remember watching the “Dumbo”.. oops, sorry, I mean “Rambo” movies. Specifically, the one where “Rambo” utters the line “I’m your worse nightmare.” Well, for me, he would not be my worse nightmare. Mine would be performing in a ballet as the male lead, having to catch a 400 pound person, wearing a tutu and tights, when they do their leap.
Can you say “Oh oh!” 😀

“Cat scratch fever..”

Um… We have a very bright sun here today. Some days I wish there was a way to turn down its brightness; like you do with a 3-way lamp. Especially when I forget to wear my sunglasses when I go outside. I thought I was seeing spots before my eyes, until I realized it was the neighbor’s dog. (Yeah, I know; another bad joke. I keep warning you they all can’t be gems. I’m not proud. 😀 )

spottie

Spottie

I used to have a cat named Spottie. She was a long haired white cat with big black spots. In the winter she used to love going outside in the snow. The only way I knew where she was, was from the big black spots she had. You would see them moving in the snow. (Cue the theme music from “Jaws”.) Spottie would come inside to dry off; I would help the process by drying her with a towel. Then she’d go back outside and run around again. Then come back in to get towel dried again. And repeat once more. She loved that towel.
One town where I lived, the neighbors had 2 huge dogs. I think they would put saddles on the dogs and ride them whenever they had car problems. The dogs were afraid of the cat; she’d chase them all over the place.

Bear

Bear, Spottie’s sister

If I was late getting home from work, along with her sister and brother, the three of them would be standing at the door, with their front paws on their hips (if cats have hips), and a look on their faces that said “Where you been? We’re hungry; feed us!” And of course at night, me trying to sleep, I’d wake up to find one of them on my chest. They took turns every night sleeping on top of me.
Yes, I do agree with many of you. Cats are not our pets; we are theirs. We do not own them; they own us. But it is worth it.

bill the cat

Bill the Cat, Spottie’s little brother

Have a great weekend all! And enjoy your St. Paddy’s Day too. Just don’t try to dye your pets green. They will not like it; guaranteed.

Mistaken Identity

Through the ages I have traveled cross country and into Canada a few times, meeting a lot of different peoples and working a few different jobs. It has been quite an adventure. For me personally, I think it was a better learning experience than college could ever provide. Book learning is one thing, but experiencing life in general is something else. I’ve met an old Native American Indian chief, and a girl who proclaimed herself to be a full-fledged honest to goodness cauldron stirring witch. I never saw the cauldron, but I did, on occasion, catch a scent of what smelled like a stew cooking. I even had the good fortune to meet the great Muhammad Ali one time.
I met a lady from Santa Monica who “dabbled” in psychiatry. One day, after a friendly visit with much conversation and sipping iced tea, she told me she thought I was the sanest person she ever met. I looked at her square in the eye and said: “What? Are you crazy?” She laughed, but I was serious. For a change.
Anyways, what has been fun for me was, just about everywhere I traveled there would always be a few people who would mistake me for someone else. I know there is a saying about how we each have a twin. But I must have sextuplets times three or four.
Once while working in a restaurant in New Jersey, a slightly older couple came up to pay their tab. The gentleman looked at me and said: “You look like our son-in-law.” I replied: “Sir, I’ve never touched your daughter!”
This time in San Diego, during the autumn season on a Sunday, I would go to the beach and do some writing. Later in the day I would visit a nearby pub, watch a football game and order a pizza. Then go home when the game was finished. One Sunday after arriving home, a group of my friends asked me what I had done that day. I told them where I was. Every one of them could swear on a stack of bibles they had seen me in downtown San Diego, when I was at the beach. Okay, so they actually swore on a stack of old MAD magazines, but you get the point.
One time I let myself “go”; in other words, I had let my hair and beard grow long. How long? Let’s just say I could have been the brother of one of the ZZ Top band members. A lady friend once mentioned I looked like Jesus. So I had this thought: I’d get me one of them monk robes; go to a tent revival meeting; enter through a side of the tent with the sun behind me so all the people inside would see a silhouette figure. Then, in a loud voice proclaiming: “Alright, people. Where is all that money you have supposedly been collecting in my name?”
What I used to get a lot was “Hey, Jerry!”, referring to the late Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead. I never thought I looked like him, but apparently many others did. Young and old alike. Once, as a driving teacher, I had my student pull into the parking lot of a convenience store. I needed to use the pay phone to call the office. Yes, it was before the days of everyone owning a cell phone or three. As we are entering the lot, someone comes out the store heading for their vehicle. Seeing the “Student Driver” bumper sticker on the car, he immediately yells out: “Damn student driver!” We ignored him, of course. After the student parked our car, as I walked to the pay phone, the same person was leaving in his car. He sees me and yells out: “Hey, Jerry!” I yelled back: “You moron! I’m the same person you just yelled at for having a student driver!” He left in a hurry.
The moral of all this? Beats the heck out of me. But it was fun! 😀
Have a good one!

Advertisement – The Alien Channel

Coming soon to a cable television system near you – The Alien Channel – featuring programs broadcast direct daily from the Beldan Solar System, including such favorite shows as “My Three Pods”, “My Favorite Earthling”, and “Late Nite with Grbx Xenormyn”. Call your cable operator between now and star date 62837.1 and receive free a Photon Energy Pack. The Photon Energy Pack will supply you with enough power to last 50,000 earth years. So call now. Supplies, and this offer, are limited. And for programming that’s out of this world, be sure to watch the Alien Channel.

Today in Sports

Inter-Galactic All-Pro Football Team To Play All-Pro Team From NFL

Saturn moon Titan

Surface drawing of Titan, one of Saturn’s moons.

In an effort to strengthen relations with our universal neighbors, officials with the NFL have agreed to play a series of games over the next ten years with an all-pro squad made up of players from teams in the Beldan Football League. Details were still sketchy at press time, but according to one unofficial source, the first game is to be played in the year 2020 on Titan, one of Saturn’s moons. The game will be played on a different planet each year. Earth is tentatively scheduled for the year 2026. The planet Belda is tentatively scheduled for star date 50231.7.

One of the obstacles right now is trying to figure out how to transport the players from Earth to the game sites. It is rumored that engineers from some of the Beldan League territories are willing to come to Earth to help our engineers design and build a craft capable of making these journeys. They want to be certain not many time warps will be involved during the trips.

planet Belda

The planet Belda, in the Beldan Galaxy, with its 3 moons Oy, Vey, and Xxly.

Another obstacle will be in determining the proper amount of breathable air for the players of both teams. Since the Beldan’s air is comprised mostly of helium and nitrous oxide, NFL officials want to make sure their players will take the games seriously. Officials with the BFL could not be reached for comment at this time.

Would you believe…

Once I seen a street mime doing his act of being trapped inside a clear box. A few minutes later another mime came to the scene, carrying a hammer. The second mime went through the motions of breaking the glass with the hammer. As I was walking away I heard glass breaking. I turned around to look; the first mime was stepping out of the glass box. He shook hands with the second mime and said: “About time! You forgot to leave the window open again!”

Sung to the tune of..

(sung to the tune of the Oscar Mayer “Bologna” song)
(with apologies to Arnold the Pig)
“My bologna has a first name
It’s A-R-N-O-L-D,
My bologna has a last name
It’s T-H-E P-I-G,
Oh, I love to eat it every day,
And if you ask me why, I say
‘cuz Oscar Fryer had a way
With a pig’s DNA;”

Arnold the Pic

Arnold the Pig, from the old TV show, “Green Acres”.