For those of you who remember watching the “Dumbo”.. oops, sorry, I mean “Rambo” movies. Specifically, the one where “Rambo” utters the line “I’m your worse nightmare.” Well, for me, he would not be my worse nightmare. Mine would be performing in a ballet as the male lead, having to catch a 400 pound person, wearing a tutu and tights, when they do their leap.
Can you say “Oh oh!” 😀
Howdy, folks. The former Marlboro man here. Have you been trying to quit smoking but keep getting roped back into it? Are you tired of your 200mm long cigarette breaking before you were able to smoke half of it? Tried one of those electronic cigarettes, but you can’t get a long enough power cord for when you mow the lawn? Well looky here, we got some good news for ya. Announcing Cold Turkey Brand’s Stop Smoking Kit. With Cold Turkey, you can light up one of the fake cigarettes just like a real one. As soon as you light one up, that smell of burning mushroom soil takes over. Why, you’ll be barfin’ up your guts quicker than you can whistle “Smoke, Smoke, Smoke (That Cigarette)”. You will never want another cigarette again.
And for those of you trying to quit drinking, look for Cold Turkey Brand’s non-alcholic beer and whiskey too. Made from the same fine quality ingredients as the real stuff, but without the taste.
Believed to have been drawn by George before going off to war.
During excavation of a site near the home of our country’s first president, an underground cave was found. Inside the cave, workers found an assortment of items believed to date back to the days of the Revolutionary War. Since the cave is near the home of George Washington, speculation is that the items belonged to him and his wife Martha. Among the items were pieces of clay pots, an empty steamer trunk, four sets of wooden teeth, termite killer, and several drawings of Martha. In a few of the drawings she had posed in a provocative manner without any clothes. The director of the local Hysterical Society, Mary Prudence, was brought in to authenticate the items. When we asked her about the drawings, she replied: “I would say George had a little too much free time on his hands before the start of the war. One can only guess how he was able to convince Martha to pose for these pictures. Maybe this is why all those signs are posted. You know the ones saying ‘George Washington slept here’.”
Coming soon to a cable television system near you – The Alien Channel – featuring programs broadcast direct daily from the Beldan Solar System, including such favorite shows as “My Three Pods”, “My Favorite Earthling”, and “Late Nite with Grbx Xenormyn”. Call your cable operator between now and star date 62837.1 and receive free a Photon Energy Pack. The Photon Energy Pack will supply you with enough power to last 50,000 earth years. So call now. Supplies, and this offer, are limited. And for programming that’s out of this world, be sure to watch the Alien Channel.
Teaching People How to be Vain for Over 40 Years
The institute is run by former actress Gina Conshulte, the vainest actress to ever grace the silver screen. Along with her partner, Bruno Sharleton, you will go from being a normal nice caring every day person, to a vain egotistical one in less than a week. At the Vain Institute you will learn how to walk with your nose in the air, and not walk into anything that could disfigure you. You will also learn how to ignore most of the people around you, including family and close friends, without hurting their feelings too much. Your training also includes trips to fancy department and jewelry stores, and high class restaurants. While there you will be taught how to demand service ahead of everyone else, and ignore them giving you the finger. So, call the Vain Institute today to setup your free consultation. In fact, why not just barge in there and demand to talk with someone now! No one will be standing by to serve you immediately. (They’ll be hiding behind curtains laughing at you instead.)
Joe Pitowski, former famous mud wrestler, was defeated for the title of world champion on this date. He later went to work at a detergent manufacturing plant outside of Peoria, IL. Joe earned the nickname “Mr. Clean” from some of his co-workers after having tripped and fell into a vat of the liquid. The liquid removed all the hair from his head and body, and Joe has been sparkling ever since.
(names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.)
(but I can’t help myself 🙂 )
While running errands yesterday, I drove past a church with a sign out front with the message: “Need a lifeguard? Ours walks on water.” Thinking about it for a minute I remembered something – I can walk on water also. I bet many of you have done so as well. How often have you walked on an ice puddle?
Seeing that sign reminded me of another church and sign I used to drive past in one neighborhood when I was a driving teacher back in my home state of New Jersey. The message on that one read: “Most lies are untruths.” So does that mean some lies are true?
I wrote the following “article” for the satirical newspaper when the late Pope John Paul II had scheduled visits to parts of the East Coast back around 1995, I believe it was. May he rest in peace. POPE VISITS NEW JERSEY, NOBODY CAN EXPLAIN WHY
Pope John Paul II visited the State of New Jersey for two days when he came to America the first week of October. When asked why the Pontiff selected the Garden State for one of his stops while in this country, one member of his entourage, who spoke on condition of remaining anonymous, said: “Only the good Lord knows why he would do such a strange thing.” The first stop was in Hackettstown, where the Pope rode on top of an albino moose along Main Street in a parade thrown in his honor. Leading the parade were three naked Eskimo women tossing rose petals along the pavement to symbolize a red carpet. The mayor of Hackettstown, home of the M&M’s candy company, presented the Pontiff with a five pound bag of the new blue colored plain and peanut candies. Other parts of the Pope’s visit included celebrating Mass at two local churches: the Church of the Holy Smoke, and the Church of the Holy Mackerel. A third service that had been scheduled for this past Friday at the Church of the Holy Cow had been postponed until a later date. The Pontiff was also slated to visit a television studio where he was to film a short commercial spot for RC Cola. The same anonymous entourage member was asked about this, and said: “The Pope enjoys drinking that brand of soft drink immensely. Besides, he thinks the ‘RC’ stands for ‘Roman Catholic’.”
Okay, so, I’m ready to be smited. Or would that be “smitten”?