Makin’ Bacon

One more true story. Again, this one takes place while I was a driving instructor back in New Jersey.
I, personally, plus with students driving, had driven down a country road numerous times and never paid much attention to the happenings at a local farm. One day, with a student driving, as we were passing this particular farm, I just happened to look over and seen something I was not expecting to see. You all have heard the term “makin’ bacon”, I’m sure. Well, as we went past the farm, that’s exactly what two hogs were doing; making bacon. Just curious though; would that have been called doing it “piggy style”? Talk about squealing! 😀

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Would you believe…

I went to one of the local seafood markets for the first time. Among the displays of the usual supposedly “fresh” catches, they also had the tanks for lobsters and crabs. Near the end was a third tank; it was labeled “Fresh Imitation Krab” with fake crabs floating inside.

crab smoking cigarette

Smoked Crab?

Cooking with Edna

Today’s Recipe: Road Kill Stew
with special guest Chef Ramsay
“What do you mean ‘special guest’? Who the heck is Chief Ramsey?”
“Say what? He’s famous? For what?”
“Chef? What the heck is a ‘chef’?” Sounds to me like some fancy word to get paid extra money for cookin’ up a batch of fresh catfish.”
“He does what? He goes around yellin’ at all the other chefs? Well, heck. If he thinks he’s gonna do that to me, he’s got another think comin’. Where’s my shotgun? He tries yellin’ at me I’ll fill that sucker’s butt so full of buckshot he’ll wish he stayed home instead.”
Stay tuned for the next episode of Cooking with Edna when her special guest will be Guy Fieri.
Guy: “Hey! No thanks! I’m not going anywhere near Edna.”

Sung to the tune of..

(sung to the tune of the Oscar Mayer “Bologna” song)
(with apologies to Arnold the Pig)
“My bologna has a first name
It’s A-R-N-O-L-D,
My bologna has a last name
It’s T-H-E P-I-G,
Oh, I love to eat it every day,
And if you ask me why, I say
‘cuz Oscar Fryer had a way
With a pig’s DNA;”

Arnold the Pic

Arnold the Pig, from the old TV show, “Green Acres”.

Cooking with Edna

by Edna Schirkner
Today’s St. Patrick’s Day Recipe: Irish Stew
“Irish stew? Heck, that’s easy. Where’s the whiskey? Brrraaapppppppppppp! Oops, ‘xcuse me. Never mind.”
Visit us next month when Edna will share her recipe for Irish Soda Bread.
“Wanna – brrrrrrrrpppppp! – bet!”

Chocolate Cheesecake Day

There is a web site I use almost daily for sending an ecard to my girl friend. I will send her something romantic, or something fun especially when she is having a rough day. The site is called 123Greetings. Now, mind you, this is not to promote the site, but I do admit they have some terrific ecards.
With International Women’s Day approaching this Friday, I wanted to see what cards they have available for that day. Along with Women’s Day they also have cards available for – yes, you guessed it – Chocolate Cheesecake Day, which is today, according to their site. I never even knew there was such a day; did you?
As you go through the 123Greetings site you will find a calendar of past and upcoming special days. How many of you celebrated Pig Day on 1 March; other than eating a meal comprised of some form of pork meat? On 14 March there is “Pi” Day; I’m guessing for all the mathematicians of the world. There is also Hot Tub Day on 28 March. I’m game; let’s chill the ol’ bubbly for that one, eh?
The month of April is being called “Humor Month”. Considering April begins with April’s Fool Day, plus the first week of the month has been declared Laugh Week per the site’s event calendar, Humor Month makes sense. Most of the other special days for next month I have no clue how to pronounce.
The month of May gets off to a great start with Naked Day on the 4th. Followed by Frog Jumping Day on the 13th. I’m imagining that day to be celebrated with frog jumping contests around the world. Winner gets all the flies it can eat; loser gets eaten.
There is one holiday I have always been curious about. We here in the states celebrate Columbus Day on 12 October. In the meantime, our neighbors to the north celebrate their Thanksgiving Day. I have always wondered if Canadians are thankful Columbus did not step foot on their soil. 😀
Have a great day, and do not eat all the cheesecake at once!

chocolate cheesecake ecard

One of the Chocolate Cheesecake Day ecards

Gunman Take Hostages at Local Health Food Store

Force them to eat fatty snack foods
This past week, in a suburb of Cincinnati, OH three burglars burst into a local health food store brandishing what appeared to be handguns and cases of assorted snack foods. Eyewitness reports from the scene indicate the burglars had the hostages, numbering approximately 13 including the store clerk, pair up with each other. The hostages were then handed packages of the assorted foods – hot dogs, fried BBQ pork rinds, potato chips, macaroon cookies, and other foods containing large amounts of fats. At gunpoint they were forced to feed the snack foods to each other, one morsel after another, until each individual was literally “so full they could burst”. The gunmen themselves enjoyed the various foods, mostly to prove to their hostages there was nothing wrong in eating them. It was only after the gunmen started dozing from eating so much the hostages had a chance to escape. Eyewitnesses claim before the third hostage had a chance to exit the building the gunmen started to wake up. Armed with Hostess® Twinkies® and Ding-Dongs® the hostages pelted the gunmen to complete their escape. The burglars were subsequently arrested, tried, and convicted. As their punishment they were forced to work at the local organic farmer’s market.

In a related story, it was reported fast food giants McDonald’s, Burger King, and others, were inserting subliminal messages into their television and radio commercials encouraging the public to eat at their establishments up to 3, 4, even 5 times a day. The bulk of the food to be purchased and consumed being ¼ pound burgers, large fries, giant shakes, and other fatty, high caloric foods. Despite the FCC, FTC, the Justice Department, and the makers of Friskies® brand pet foods not finding any evidence of subliminal messages in any of their commercials, attorneys for numerous obese people are still insistent on taking their case all the way up to the US Supreme Court. They are blaming those companies and others for their clients weight problem. One of the attorney’s assistants, speaking on condition of anonymity, said one of the clients thought of Ronald McDonald as a father figure. “Why would any father force their child to eat food that wasn’t good for them over and over again?” Mr. McDonald had no comment at this time. He just stood there with that big silly grin on his face.

Elvis Spotted Working at M&M’s® Candy Factory

Wears Blue Rhinestone Studded Jumpsuit to Work as Disguise
A worker at the M&M’s® candy company in Hackettstown, NJ was tentatively identified as the late King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley. The person making this discovery was none other than our beloved editor’s wife, Mrs. Edna Schirkner. When asked about this latest sighting of the King, Mrs. Schirkner told us: “A bunch of us from our church, the Church of the Holy Smoke, went on a trip to tour the place. They was supposed to give us free samples of the different candy they make. I got off the bus first. While I was waitin’ for everybody else to get off the bus, I was lookin’ ’round. They wouldn’t let us go too far, though. They was afraid we’d get lost or somethin’, I guess. Anyhow, I seen this big blue thing standin’ by the side of the road. It looked all sparkly-like, and looked like it didn’t have much hair on top. I tried to get closer to get a better look. But since I couldn’t leave the group, I finally put my glasses on. Turned out it was just somebody wearing a costume to look like the blue M&M® peanut candy. He was standin’ on the side of the road wavin’ to the cars that drove by.”

Cooking with Edna

With today being Lent thus beginning the season for Easter, we thought we’d present to you now our infamous Easter dinner recipe. This way you will have plenty of time to gather one of the more important ingredients. Enjoy!

Easter Dinner Recipe: Rabbit Stew and Deviled Eggs
“Rabbit stew, huh? I’m still trying to figure out where the rabbit gets the eggs for Easter. Last I knew, rabbits don’t lay eggs. Besides, I hate rabbit stew. Can’t get the dang critter to sit still long enough to skin ’em. Then I got to chase him all over the house. I usually find him in the den, playing with the old adding machine on my husband’s desk.”