The Warped Version of the “Vampire Diaries”

13 august.. today, mom let me bite my first victim by myself.. i think i picked the wrong person though.. his blood tasted like he just ate a large garlic pizza.

17 august.. dad is going to be upset with me if he finds out i broke curfew.. i was out when the sun came up, and the only building i could hide in had all these shiny cross shaped things all over the place.. it made me feel strange and i had to find another place to hide.. i won’t break curfew again, that’s for sure.

29 august.. my punishment for breaking curfew is finally over.. being stuck inside that mausoleum was so boring.. and i couldn’t even talk to any of my friends on the phone.. not because dad said i wasn’t allowed.. for some reason most of them sleep during the night.. weird.

dracula

Uncle Drac on one of his dates

5 september.. family night tonight.. mom made popcorn with peanuts for us to eat while watching a movie.. it was called “Dracula”.. dad says the movie is a true story about a great uncle of ours who lived in a place called Transylvania.. i hope we can visit him one day.. so cool to have someone famous in our family.. wait until i tell the gang at school.

14 september.. dad was very upset and all out of breath when he got home from work this morning.. i heard him tell mom a couple of psychos tried to make him eat a steak, so he flew away from them as fast as he could.. i would like to try a steak some time.. a couple of my friends have said they’ve eaten them before and they are good.. i’m tired of chicken and fish all the time.. i want something different to eat.

gotta go.. mom’s making me sharpen my teeth.. she says dental hygiene is good for the family.. so i guess i will write more later.

So, here’s a couple of questions for you..

total recallI just finished watching, for the Nth time, the original “Total Recall” movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger from 1990. And don’t ask me why; I know I’ve seen it several times before. Actually, I did not really watch it. I was more so listening to it while doing a few other things on the computer. It wasn’t until the final scenes when Arnold’s character “Quaid” and Rachel Ticotin’s character “Melina” were in a shootout with the police/military people inside the Martian reactor area, that I began to pay attention to the movie.
Anyways, “Quaid” has a device on his wrist that generates a current holographic image of himself. The hologram walks into a gathering of about 10 or more police who surround and start shooting at it/him. As they are shooting at the image the leader of the squad looks puzzled, not understanding why they are not killing “Quaid”. Of course, once the shooting stops and the image starts to fade out, he knows why. Now, I’m no scientist nor do I know much about how holograms work. But, if it is nothing but an image they were shooting at, wouldn’t the bullets have passed through the image and struck the soldiers on the opposite side, thus killing them? If so, why did that not happen? I did not see one soldier fall during the shootout.

There is another question I have. More of a silly one this time.pale rider
It has to do with a different movie; this one from Mr. Clint Eastwood, Pale Rider from 1985. In one of the scenes from this movie, the two main female characters – the mother, “Sarah Wheeler”, played by the late Carrie Snodgrass; the daughter, “Megan Wheeler”, played by Sydney Penny – are talking. Megan has been grooming herself, brushing her hair and such while her “mother” is preparing a meal. When she finishes with her hair, “Megan” turns to her “mother” and asks: “How do I look?” To which the “mother” replies: “You are the prettiest daughter I could ever have.” So does that mean, if “Sarah” were to have other daughters, would they all be ugly? I mean I’m just asking. It sounds like she is giving her future daughters an inferiority complex, and they ain’t even born yet!

What do you think?

Thought for the Day

Faster than a speeding bullet?

starship enterprise

Starship enterprise at warp speed,
image found on google

So let’s see.. we have “air” speed; “land” speed; “linear” speed; we also have the speed of sound, plus the speed of light. And maybe even faster-than-light speed  (or warp speed) some day. Of all of these different speeds, is “god” speed faster or slower than any of them? And, where do I find that on my gear shift?

Advertisement – The Alien Channel

Coming soon to a cable television system near you – The Alien Channel – featuring programs broadcast direct daily from the Beldan Solar System, including such favorite shows as “My Three Pods”, “My Favorite Earthling”, and “Late Nite with Grbx Xenormyn”. Call your cable operator between now and star date 62837.1 and receive free a Photon Energy Pack. The Photon Energy Pack will supply you with enough power to last 50,000 earth years. So call now. Supplies, and this offer, are limited. And for programming that’s out of this world, be sure to watch the Alien Channel.

Speaking of “Star Trek”…

For those of you who still are or were fans of the various Star Trek television series, do you remember the species known as Ferengi? I’m curious as to how the person who created their “heads” came up with that shape. I mean, after all, when you take a real good look at the Ferengi head shape, it looks a lot like the shape of a butt. So then, is it possible, could the Ferengi be the true definition of the phrase “butt head”? Do you think maybe they were the “butt” of many jokes around their part of the galaxy? 😀

Mr. Spock’s Mind Meld

Recently I was watching an old “Star Trek” episode. In this one, Spock did his famous “mind meld” on another person; a human. Which got me to thinking.. With Mr. Spock being half human and half Vulcan, could he have done a mind meld with himself? While “melding”, would he have exposed all his suppressed emotions and desires? Perhaps something such as “Oh, baby, you are looking fine. I want some of that.” Or perhaps “Hey, pass that bong over this way!” Or maybe even “Yo, dude, check this out!” I guess we will never know.

Short Stories

As well as my satirical newspaper “The National Harold-Gazette”, from which the majority of the posts on this site have originated, I have tried my hand at writing several short stories. Some shorter than others. Unlike the newspaper, these are not satirical or humorous in nature. I am not sure exactly what classification most of these stories would fall under. They are fiction; I’m not sure if science fiction would be correct though. Nor horror either. Many of the stories have a “twist” ending to them. One of my other inspirations was the late Mr. Rod Serling and his “Twilight Zone” series. So, perhaps whatever classification that would fall under?
Anyways, I will try to post one of the short stories at least every month or two for your perusal. I hope you enjoy them.
This is one of the first short stories I wrote. It is approximately 25 years old. So do not be surprised if some of the terms may seem a bit old.

copyright© dark star publishing. All rights reserved. May not be reproduced, in whole or in part, by any means whatsoever, without written permission from the publisher.

“The Long Road Home”

“It’s almost 8:30pm. It has been a long thirty six hours driving home. Especially in this miserable weather. It’s been snowing off and on all day. With these sales, though, I won’t have to worry about being on the road anymore. Plus, being away from the family so often.”
John Thurman was thinking aloud. He had been dictating notes into his microcassette recorder for the report he will have to do tomorrow when he returns to his office. John was on the last leg of a ten day sales trip to six companies in three different states. He was on his way home. For good this time. John works as a district sales representative for Resnick Corru­gated Packaging Company. He needed at least four sales to qualify for promotion into upper management. John struck gold and signed accounts with all six. He would no longer have to spend most of his time on the road as he’s done for the past seven years. The promotion will allow him to spend more time at home, and get to know his wife and two children again.
John was about twenty miles away from home when heavier snow started falling. “Well, the weather report did call for an eighty percent chance of getting more of the white stuff before the end of the day.” John was still talking into his tape recorder, which he kept in his shirt pocket. “I don’t have much farther to go. As long as I stay on the interstate I shouldn’t have too much trouble. The maintenance crews usually do a good job of keeping it clear in this kind of weather. I just wish the snow had waited until after I got to the house. Nuts! No more coffee! Well, I guess I can stay awake. It’s only a few more miles, and then I’m home for good.”
Home. The more John thought about it, the more he missed it. He thought of the comfort and security it gave him. The warmth of it when surrounded by his family.
The family. He loved all of them very much. “If only there were some way I can make it up to everyone for all the times I’ve been gone,” John said, again thinking aloud. He thought of his children. David, ten years old, has had to be the man of the house while his father’s been on the road. Not anymore. David loves sports, especially baseball. Every spring he tries out for Little League Baseball. This season John will finally be able to watch his son play.
His daughter Heather, eight years old, has been spending most of her time learning to play the piano. Her music class will be putting on a recital just before Christmas. John always seemed to have to be away whenever they did a recital. Not this year. He wouldn’t miss this one for the world. Both children liked to go fishing. John will have the time for that now too.
And of course his wife Caroline. There wasn’t a moment that John did not think of her. He thought of her beauty. Her warmth. Her gentle touches. John thought of all she’s had to endure while he’s been on the road. He especially wanted to make that up to her. And for everything she’s done. He wanted so much to make love to her again.
“When I get home, I will check on the kids.” John was thinking to himself. He looked at his watch. “They will probably be asleep by then. After that I’ll go downstairs, and build a nice, cozy fire in the fireplace. With Carol by my side, we’ll pop open the bottle of champagne I bought. Relax in front of the fire, and celebrate my success. And then we’ll make love. Right in front of the fireplace. Just like we did the first night of our honeymoon.”
The snow was falling even harder now. Visibility was getting worse. John was beginning to find it difficult to keep his eyes open. He rolled down the window hoping the cold air will help to keep him awake. John thought to himself that it was only a few more miles until he reached home. The air was making him too cold so he closed the window.
He tried to think of ways to keep himself from falling asleep while driving. Turning the radio on, he only found news and updated weather reports. John wanted something livelier. He tried singing to himself, but could not remember most of the words to the songs. “Don’t panic, John ol’ boy. No need to get yourself worked up. We’re almost there,” he said to himself.
Without any warning the car’s engine stalled while it was still in motion. “What the. . . What happened? Don’t tell me I ran out of gas. No, the gauge looks fine. Still about a quarter of a tank left in there. Damn!” John tried to guide the car to the side of the road. He applied the brakes gently. With all the snow on the highway and the speed with which John had been driving, the car skidded down the embankment, crashed head-on into a tree, and came to a rest.

“Damn! What do I do now? I should wait for a patrol car or a snowplow to come by and help me out of this mess. Who knows how long that’s going to take though.” Without any further hesitation John gathered up his briefcase and overcoat, and got out of the car. “I know it’s not too far to go. I can walk the rest of the way. I’ll come back tomorrow when the storm’s over to get the car.  Right now I just want to get home and see my family.” As he was putting on his coat he felt a sharp pain around his neck and shoulders. “I’ll have to see the doctor about that tomorrow I guess.”
The strong winds and heavy snowfall kept John from walking at a quick pace. He slipped and fell twice, the second time increasing the pain he felt in his neck. “I can do this,” he kept telling himself. He had barely gone a quarter of a mile. The exertion was get­ting to be more than he could take. His breath was getting short. John stopped walking. “I’ve got to take a break for a minute and catch my breath.” He laid his briefcase down in the snow then sat on it. “All this darkness. Not a solitary light to be seen anywhere. And the cold. It never used to bother me as much before. I’m so tired. I can’t take much more of this,” he said quietly. John’s upper body ached with such pain. He was having trouble catching his breath. “I just want to go home!” he yelled into the night, the frustration catching up with him.
John tried to get up so he could continue, but couldn’t. It was as if a heavy weight was holding him down. He felt dizzy. He didn’t want to pass out. The pain was searing through his upper body. With all his remaining strength John stood up and again yelled out. “Please! Somebody help me!” Blackness enveloped him, and he collapsed to the ground.

Officer Ben Rivera of the Highway Patrol noticed the tire tracks in the snow, leading off the road and down the embankment. He radioed for assistance. The officer got out of his car and walked over to the wreckage. The door on the driver’s side had been flung open. He shone his flashlight inside the vehicle. The body of John Thurman was covered with a thin layer of snow. The seatbelt had kept him sitting straight, his head tilted to one side. The force of the impact snapped John’s neck.
As the ambulance drove away with Thurman’s body Officer Rivera gathered his personal belongings. He picked up the microcas­sette recorder that fell out of John’s pocket while the ambulance crew was placing his body on the stretcher. It was the kind of device that would begin recording whenever someone would speak. Office Rivera rewound part of the tape then played it back. The patrolman heard John’s voice through the tiny speaker. It played some of the notes for his report and personal comments. John Thurman’s last words were: “Please! Somebody help me!”

THE END

Aliens Kidnap Local Politician

Threaten War if We Don’t Take Him Back!
A message was received last week by the President. It was sent by the Ruling Council of the Planet Belda. The contents of the message have not yet been released to the press. But a source close to the White House has told this newspaper it involves negotiations for the release of a kidnap victim. The victim is believed to be Sen. Frank Gangreen, of Ratshead, Georgia. Apparently, Sen. Gangreen was abducted late one night about a month ago, while sitting on the front porch of his home. Since there were no witnesses, and he didn’t show up for work much anyway, most people figured the senator was away on another one of those taxpayer sponsored trips. The Beldans were planning on keeping him for experiments. They changed their minds when Sen. Gangreen, after seeing how poorly run the Beldans’ government was, tried to take over. The Beldan council, who once threatened to declare war on the planet Earth if we did not take back the senator, has softened their stand. They promised they will never visit our galaxy again if we agree to take the senator back. During a press conference last night, the President told the media that, by a three to one margin, the members of both Houses voted not to allow Sen. Gangreen to come back to Earth. “We would rather risk war with the Beldans than to have Gangreen back here with us,” one member was quoted as saying.

Alien Space Probe Crash Lands in East Los Angeles

Converted into Low Rider
Terror and speculation filled the citizens of Southern California yesterday as a satellite of unknown origin crashed into an abandoned apartment building in east Los Angeles. No one was injured. Local military bases reported no aircraft missing. NASA had stated that there were no satellites due to re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere. Top military personnel and UFO experts from around the world were to gather to examine the object. Prior to inspecting the object the military refused to comment on its possible origin. Meanwhile, the UFO experts speculated that it did indeed come from another planet. But by the time they all arrived at the crash site, it had already been stripped of most of its parts and converted into a low rider, complete with hydraulic lifts and fuzzy dice. It was last seen being flown above Melrose Boulevard, with the military police in hot pursuit.

Woman Gives Birth to Two-Headed Alien Baby

Mrs. Arlene Tilford of Fernrock, Arkansas had the honor of giving birth last week to the nation’s first alien baby of the new year. Doctors at the Fernrock Medical Center report that both mother and baby, which weighed 10 lb. 2 oz. at birth, are doing fine. During a short interview before leaving the hospital Mrs. Tilford told this paper: “I was abducted one night last spring by aliens. I believe it was the ship’s commander, a big two-headed creature named Zarcon, who impregnated me. He’s sent messages to me several times since I’ve been returned, but he doesn’t know about the baby yet. It’s strange that the baby doesn’t look like its father. One head looks more like the mailman; the other one looks like the milkman.”