UFO Spotted Over Texas

A UFO was seen recently flying over parts of the state of Texas. Eyewitness reports came from El Paso, Houston, and the Fort Worth-Dallas areas. One report from Houston had stated that “the cigar-shaped object appeared to hover above the Space Center for several minutes before heading eastward.” Officials from the Space Center, of course, denied that this occurred. In El Paso, twin cousins Billy Ray Rodriquez and John-Boy Yamaguchi claim that the space ship landed in a field near their home. “We heard this high-pitched noise. Sounded like a pig squealin’. But, my cousin John-Boy reminded me that there ain’t any pigs nearby. Then, there was this real bright light started shinin’ from the sky and the noise got louder. So we ran out the house to go look. When we got outside we saw this big round object flying low over the trees. As it got closer we could see a picture of an albino moose painted on the bottom of the spacecraft. Then the thing finally landed in the abandoned cornfield near the house. After a few minutes a door opened up, and these three creatures come walkin’ down the ramp. John-Boy and me was startin’ to get all excited about being able to meet some folks from outa space finally. I’d been dreaming ’bout that most my life. We couldn’t see what theys looked like at first since it was so dark outside. But as theys got closer we could tell theys was real ugly. John-Boy shined his flashlight at ’em. When we seen what theys looked like, we got real scared. Theys looked like three naked Eskimo women. We both turned around and ran back to the house screamin’ and hollerin’ for help.” Officials at the Space Center denied any of this ever took place. Though one official did have a silly grin on his face for some time.

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Letter to the Editor

Deer Editor: I am righting writing to complane about all the pot on my street. Oops, I mean potholes. O course, why they are called potholes is beyond me. Ever time i seen one it never look like a pot to me. Anyhoo, ever year is the same thing, the pavement cracks and comes apart. And then the broken peaces get scattered all over the place and you wind up with dad gum holes in the road. And it seems like the road crews don’t bother fixin em til the summer. My car has run over so many of the blasted things that its all bent and crocked crooked. Why just the other day i ran over a real big one over on maple street. If it werent fer the homeless family living in there my car woulda fell in it. So, anyways, thats why i am writin this here letter. Yours trudy, Fred Smith.

Wronco’s Scents Just for Men

Hey guys! Have you ever had one of those awkward moments when you walk into a store and you see a bunch of your buddies. And when they ask what you’ve been up to, you feel embarrassed to tell them you were doing something romantic for your wife or girlfriend. How about this; you are late getting back to the office from your lunch break because of that afternoon fling with the hot secretary in the next building. And of course you definitely do not want anyone to find out about that. Want to have them think you were working out instead? Well, good news! Announcing Wronco’s new line of specially formulated fragrances just for men! Available in both deodorant and cologne. Fragrances such as Rocky’s Gym Locker Room, Spike’s Auto Repair Shop, Farmer Brown’s Cow Manure, and many others. Now, anytime you think you will face an awkward moment with your friends and/or colleagues, just quickly spray on your favorite fragrance and no one will suspect what you have really been up to. Call now and order our special 6 pack of fragrances, and we will include a beat up old gym bag to carry around with you. It will look like you have actually been doing something other than what you actually were doing. Order now; call 1-844-STINKER. Operators are standing by at arm’s length.

Cooking with Edna

by Edna Schirkner

Today’s Recipe: Pickled Pigs Feet

“Pickled pigs feet? Good grief, that sounds disgusting. Who’d want to eat such a thing? Those noisy critters wallowin’ around in mud all day long. Who knows what sorta stuff got stuck betwixt their toes. Do pigs even have toes? Blechh! You’d have to be pickled to think about wanting to eat those things . . “

How Certain Phrases or Cliches Came To Be

“You would lose your head if it wasn’t attached to your shoulders.” – Dr. Frankenstein commenting to his monster, upon learning that the monster misplaced the house keys for the 13th day in a row.

Jet Powered Roller Skates Now Available to the General Public

The makers of Crash & Burn Roller Skates have announced today they will begin a mass marketing campaign to support their new product line, the Jet Powered Roller Skate, which will be in stores across the nation next month. After many months of extensive testing, and several trips to the emergency room, Crash & Burn executives were finally given the go-ahead by the Department of Transportation, a consumer safety review board, and the U.S. Air Force to sell the jet powered skates to the general public. But, only on the condition that a crash helmet and a parachute were sold with the skates. We caught up with the CEO of Crash & Burn, Mr. George “Crash” Anderson at the LaForge Rehabilitation Center to ask him his thoughts on the conditions. He was quoted as saying: “I think I need a new helmet. You know, they have a special room here just for me. It’s got padding and everything.”

This just in…

CHILD GLUES EYES TO TELEVISION

Mother almost has heart attack

In what turned out to be the result of nothing more than a hilarious prank, the mother of a 7 year old boy was taken to a local hospital for what was first believed to be a heart attack. Mrs. Lana Wiggins, 27, was discovered unconscious on the floor in the living room of her home by a neighbor. During the ride in the ambulance Mrs. Wiggins awoke briefly and cried out for her son, then passed out again for the remainder of the trip. In the emergency room, Mrs. Wiggins regained consciousness and again cried out for her child. She kept saying something to the doctors about helping the boy, and to put his eyes back in. The doctors gave her a sedative to calm her down. After asking her some questions it was determined that Mrs. Wiggins passed out when she thought her son had removed his eyes from their sockets and glued them to the television. She found the eyes, which turned out to be fake, sticking to the side of the TV set while doing some house cleaning. Mrs. Wiggins passed out when she looked at her son, who had donned a masked to make it appear as if his eyes were missing and blood was coming out of the sockets. The neighbor found the “eyes” and discovered they were two small styrofoam balls painted to look like eyes.