Nude Drawings of Martha Washington Found on Mt. Vernon Estate

Believed to have been drawn by George before going off to war.
During excavation of a site near the home of our country’s first president, an underground cave was found. Inside the cave, workers found an assortment of items believed to date back to the days of the Revolutionary War. Since the cave is near the home of George Washington, speculation is that the items belonged to him and his wife Martha. Among the items were pieces of clay pots, an empty steamer trunk, four sets of wooden teeth, termite killer, and several drawings of Martha. In a few of the drawings she had posed in a provocative manner without any clothes. The director of the local Hysterical Society, Mary Prudence, was brought in to authenticate the items. When we asked her about the drawings, she replied: “I would say George had a little too much free time on his hands before the start of the war. One can only guess how he was able to convince Martha to pose for these pictures. Maybe this is why all those signs are posted. You know the ones saying ‘George Washington slept here’.”

Cat Rescues Residents of Retirement Home

Our beloved owner’s pet cat, Pete, was credited this past week with saving the lives of the staff and the elderly residents of Lulu’s Retirement Home, located at 1313 Wedgie Road in Peat Moss, OK. Pete, who reportedly had been chasing a squirrel around the neighborhood, ran up a tree in the front yard of the home. When he realized he was too far up to jump down, Pete began to cry for help. The crew and tenants at Lulu’s, all 13 of them, came outside in an attempt to help get the cat out of the tree. While doing so, a strong gust of wind, which the National Weather Service later determined was a tornado, blew by and picked up the house from its foundation, and dropped it in a wheat field a mile away. The home’s owner, Miss Lulu LaForge, told us: “Pete is a genuine hero. If it wasn’t for him being stuck in that tree, we would have all been inside that thing when the tornado hit. Who knows what could have happened to us.” One of the residents, Mrs. Dorothy Graham, was asked where she will live now, only said: “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”

bill the cat

Elvis Spotted Working at M&M’s® Candy Factory

Wears Blue Rhinestone Studded Jumpsuit to Work as Disguise
A worker at the M&M’s® candy company in Hackettstown, NJ was tentatively identified as the late King of Rock and Roll, Elvis Presley. The person making this discovery was none other than our beloved editor’s wife, Mrs. Edna Schirkner. When asked about this latest sighting of the King, Mrs. Schirkner told us: “A bunch of us from our church, the Church of the Holy Smoke, went on a trip to tour the place. They was supposed to give us free samples of the different candy they make. I got off the bus first. While I was waitin’ for everybody else to get off the bus, I was lookin’ ’round. They wouldn’t let us go too far, though. They was afraid we’d get lost or somethin’, I guess. Anyhow, I seen this big blue thing standin’ by the side of the road. It looked all sparkly-like, and looked like it didn’t have much hair on top. I tried to get closer to get a better look. But since I couldn’t leave the group, I finally put my glasses on. Turned out it was just somebody wearing a costume to look like the blue M&M® peanut candy. He was standin’ on the side of the road wavin’ to the cars that drove by.”

Aliens Kidnap Local Politician

Threaten War if We Don’t Take Him Back!
A message was received last week by the President. It was sent by the Ruling Council of the Planet Belda. The contents of the message have not yet been released to the press. But a source close to the White House has told this newspaper it involves negotiations for the release of a kidnap victim. The victim is believed to be Sen. Frank Gangreen, of Ratshead, Georgia. Apparently, Sen. Gangreen was abducted late one night about a month ago, while sitting on the front porch of his home. Since there were no witnesses, and he didn’t show up for work much anyway, most people figured the senator was away on another one of those taxpayer sponsored trips. The Beldans were planning on keeping him for experiments. They changed their minds when Sen. Gangreen, after seeing how poorly run the Beldans’ government was, tried to take over. The Beldan council, who once threatened to declare war on the planet Earth if we did not take back the senator, has softened their stand. They promised they will never visit our galaxy again if we agree to take the senator back. During a press conference last night, the President told the media that, by a three to one margin, the members of both Houses voted not to allow Sen. Gangreen to come back to Earth. “We would rather risk war with the Beldans than to have Gangreen back here with us,” one member was quoted as saying.

Advice to the Loveworn

by Bambi
Dear Bambi: I am a 27 year old female, and have been told by a number of men that I am quite attractive and a nice person to be around. Yet, all of the men I have dated, despite them saying they want a long term relationship, only stay for a few weeks, then they leave me. And they all give the same reason, “It’s not you, it’s me.” I just don’t understand it. I bathe and wash my hair every day. I brush my teeth and gargle. Dress real nice. Why, I even shave my pits. I can’t figure out what I’m doing wrong. I’m at a point to where I don’t want anything more to do with men. I’m not sure if I want to try the alternative though. So, that’s why I am writing to you. I was wondering if you could give me an address where I could write to the 3 naked Eskimo women your paper mentions once in a while. They seem to have a lot of fun. Maybe I could hang out with them for a while and see if I like it. And if possible, could you get me an autographed picture of them too, please. Thanks. Doris L.

Alien Space Probe Crash Lands in East Los Angeles

Converted into Low Rider
Terror and speculation filled the citizens of Southern California yesterday as a satellite of unknown origin crashed into an abandoned apartment building in east Los Angeles. No one was injured. Local military bases reported no aircraft missing. NASA had stated that there were no satellites due to re-enter the Earth’s atmosphere. Top military personnel and UFO experts from around the world were to gather to examine the object. Prior to inspecting the object the military refused to comment on its possible origin. Meanwhile, the UFO experts speculated that it did indeed come from another planet. But by the time they all arrived at the crash site, it had already been stripped of most of its parts and converted into a low rider, complete with hydraulic lifts and fuzzy dice. It was last seen being flown above Melrose Boulevard, with the military police in hot pursuit.

Snow Matter, 2nd verse

Officially, we still have a little over one month of the winter season. I mention this because the weather forecast today was calling for a chance of snow in my area, but mostly rain.
It got me to wondering; some of the songs we sing during the Christmas season do not necessarily really have anything to do with Christmas, as the holiday is not mentioned in those songs. To me at least, they more so seem to be about the winter season in general. Such as the song “Let It Snow”. I mean, when you think about it, does it have to be Christmas for the weather outside to be frightful?
So, with that in mind, I bring you my warped version of “Let It Snow”. And to make it more fun, my suggestion is to sing it in as deep a voice as possible.

(sung to the tune of “Let It Snow”)
Oh, the weather outside is scary,
And I wish I wasn’t hairy,
There’s no place where I really want to go,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow;

I don’t like to go mall shopping,
So instead I’ll go bar hopping
And I’ll drink until I can’t stand on my own,
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow;

And when I finally get real high
I’ll go home with a strange cute guy,
I’ll try to cuddle and hold him tight,
But instead I’ll pass out for the night;

Oh, the weather outside is scary,
And yes, my name is Mary,
I’ll stay home and smoke another toke,
Let it snow,
Let it snow,
Let it snow!!!

Another true story

This was actually done one time for Christmas. But when you stop to think about it, this little “practical joke” can be used almost any time of year, for birthdays, graduations, etc. Read on..
One year for Christmas, when we were younger, my sister said she wanted “cold, hard cash” as a present. I went to the bank; got 50$ worth of assorted coins. When I returned home I emptied the coins into a plastic container, filled it with water, then placed the container in the back of the freezer. On Christmas day, I took the frozen container out of the freezer and handed it to my sister. Thus fulfilling her Christmas wish of “cold, hard cash”.
It took about a week for the container to thaw, and for my sister to dry all the coins.

Feeling a Little Sheepish

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd… “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says……. “You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
“That is correct; take one of the sheep.” said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?” “OK, why not.” answered the young man.
“Clearly, you are a consultant.” said the shepherd. “That’s correct.” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…. Now give me back my dog.”

(reprinted with permission)