Woman Gives Birth to Two-Headed Alien Baby

Mrs. Arlene Tilford of Fernrock, Arkansas had the honor of giving birth last week to the nation’s first alien baby of the new year. Doctors at the Fernrock Medical Center report that both mother and baby, which weighed 10 lb. 2 oz. at birth, are doing fine. During a short interview before leaving the hospital Mrs. Tilford told this paper: “I was abducted one night last spring by aliens. I believe it was the ship’s commander, a big two-headed creature named Zarcon, who impregnated me. He’s sent messages to me several times since I’ve been returned, but he doesn’t know about the baby yet. It’s strange that the baby doesn’t look like its father. One head looks more like the mailman; the other one looks like the milkman.”