Howdy, folks. The former Marlboro man here. Have you been trying to quit smoking but keep getting roped back into it? Are you tired of your 200mm long cigarette breaking before you were able to smoke half of it? Tried one of those electronic cigarettes, but you can’t get a long enough power cord for when you mow the lawn? Well looky here, we got some good news for ya. Announcing Cold Turkey Brand’s Stop Smoking Kit. With Cold Turkey, you can light up one of the fake cigarettes just like a real one. As soon as you light one up, that smell of burning mushroom soil takes over. Why, you’ll be barfin’ up your guts quicker than you can whistle “Smoke, Smoke, Smoke (That Cigarette)”. You will never want another cigarette again.
And for those of you trying to quit drinking, look for Cold Turkey Brand’s non-alcholic beer and whiskey too. Made from the same fine quality ingredients as the real stuff, but without the taste.
Coming soon to a cable television system near you – The Alien Channel – featuring programs broadcast direct daily from the Beldan Solar System, including such favorite shows as “My Three Pods”, “My Favorite Earthling”, and “Late Nite with Grbx Xenormyn”. Call your cable operator between now and star date 62837.1 and receive free a Photon Energy Pack. The Photon Energy Pack will supply you with enough power to last 50,000 earth years. So call now. Supplies, and this offer, are limited. And for programming that’s out of this world, be sure to watch the Alien Channel.
Teaching People How to be Vain for Over 40 Years
The institute is run by former actress Gina Conshulte, the vainest actress to ever grace the silver screen. Along with her partner, Bruno Sharleton, you will go from being a normal nice caring every day person, to a vain egotistical one in less than a week. At the Vain Institute you will learn how to walk with your nose in the air, and not walk into anything that could disfigure you. You will also learn how to ignore most of the people around you, including family and close friends, without hurting their feelings too much. Your training also includes trips to fancy department and jewelry stores, and high class restaurants. While there you will be taught how to demand service ahead of everyone else, and ignore them giving you the finger. So, call the Vain Institute today to setup your free consultation. In fact, why not just barge in there and demand to talk with someone now! No one will be standing by to serve you immediately. (They’ll be hiding behind curtains laughing at you instead.)
Single white male, 29, 3’1″, 170 #; into pudding wrestling, smoking dried banana peels, Mickey Mouse tattoos, and skating on thin ice, looking for single white female with similar interests. No weirdos.
Have you been in a single car accident recently because you were not paying attention to the road? Did you trip on that smooth crack in the sidewalk because you are clumsy? Did a strong gust of wind cause a few acorns to fall on your head from the branches of the tree you were standing under? Do you want to sue someone for any of these or similar incidents but don’t know where to start? Well, you’re in luck, friend! The law firm of Chaser, Chaser, and Slugnutts is on your side! We specialize in frivolous lawsuits. We get as much money as we can from whoever we can con into paying, and keep most of it ourselves. So next time you need a lawyer for something frivolous, give us a call. Dial 1-800-FRAUDSTERS today!
Are you tired of being cussed out because you take up 2 or 3 parking spaces at the local shopping center? Are you fed up with having to walk what feels like a mile from where you park your vehicle to the doors of the mall? Do you lie awake most of the night worried about when that first scratch or ding will appear on your brand new or freshly painted car, truck or van? Well, fret no more! Wronco announces a brand new service for all you owners of new cars or newly painted ones! For a small fee, we will come to your location and put that first scratch or first ding on the vehicle for you! You choose the location of where you want the scratch or ding placed on your car or truck. No more worrying about something that is unavoidable because of a few dink brains that are not careful of how they push a shopping cart into your car, or the neighborhood kids having nothing better to do with their time. Let Wronco’s “Scratch & Ding” service take the worries away! Call 1-800-key-strokes to make an appointment. Operators are roaming your neighborhood now!
Feeling depressed lately? Or dejected? Maybe you have suicidal tendencies? Or even an Oedipus Complex? Need someone to talk to, but can’t afford a psychiatrist? Well, good news! Announcing Wronco’s new “Do It Yourself Psychiatrist Kit”. The Wronco “Do It Yourself Psychiatrist Kit” comes complete with 4 one hour long mp3 files, plus a pocket size mp3 player. Handy in case you have an anxiety attack while traveling. All you have to do is select one of the files, load it into the player, lay down on the nearest couch or park bench, and you are on your way back to sanity. Files include “So, you think you are in love with your mother?”; “Beating up the inner child in you”; and everyone’s favorite “It’s not my fault”. Primal scream therapy is also available. You get the 4 hour long instructional mp3 files and the pocket size mp3 player, all for just $59.95. Less than half of what it would cost if you went to a real shrink for a one hour session. But wait, there’s more. If you act now we’ll also include a set of matching headphones so you can listen to the files in private, no matter where you are. That’s $59.95 for the Wronco “Do It Yourself Psychiatrist Kit” complete with 4 one hour long mp3 files, player, and matching headphones. Call now to place your order. Dial 1-800-NUTCASE. Operators are standing by. Quantity discounts available for people with multiple personalities.
Announcing the new and improved Burpee Cola. The sugar and caffeine free tasteless soft drink. Now with more burps per serving than any other soft drink on the market. So at your next family picnic or party liven it up a little! Serve the new Burpee Cola! Available now in your grocer’s freezer section.
Plumbers. Electricians. Embarrassed by those unsightly butt cracks whenever you are doing work at a customer’s location or your own house? Well, be embarrassed no more! Announcing Dr. Arse’s Butt Paste. Now you can hide those nasty butt cracks. Simply apply the paste along that crack, and soon it will be as smooth as a baby’s bottom. No more embarrassing cracks to display. Order now and we will send you 2 additional containers of Dr. Arse’s Butt Paste; that’s 3 containers for the price of one. Not only that, we will also include a tub of hot wax so you can remove some of that “rug” growing on your back. Call 1-999-bummer now!