My Recent Hospital Stay..

My recent hospital stay was TORTURE!!! Well, not so much for myself as it was for some of the hospital staff. Especially those whose job it was to get blood from me. They had the worst of it. Le’ me esplane..
I spent a good part of the past six weeks in the hospital. Initially it was for a couple of different problems. I was sent home after two weeks. I had to go back a few days later because of an allergic reaction to one of the medications they had given me. It caused a rash over about 80% of my body. So I was in there for a few more weeks as the doctors tried different things to clear up the rash, and make sure it would not happen again.
Let me first say, everyone from the doctors, nurses, to the cleaning staff, were very nice to me and very professional. Other than being in some pain on occasion, I was nice to them in return. Silly at times, I will admit. But hey, that’s just me being myself.
Or, was it payback for all the times they came into the room while I was sleeping, wake me up and tell me “time for you medication to help you sleep”? One never knows, does one. It may have also been payback for all the times the techs came into the room at 4am to take blood from me. Read more about this below.

For example: Whenever the duty nurse would come in to give me my meds, they would always ask me for my name and date of birth. It was the way they phrased it that caused them to go crazy.
Nurse: “Do you know your name and date of birth?”
Me: “Yes, I do.”
Nurse: “Can you tell me your name and date of birth?”
Me: “Yes, I can.”
Nurse, finally: “What is your name and date of birth?”
Me: I’d finally tell them my name and date of birth. (ain’t i a stinker!)

One day, one of the doctors came into the room to check on my progress. Not sure where it came from but, a fly followed the doctor into the room. He commented: “How did that fly get in here? I’ve never seen one inside the hospital before.” To which I commented: “What. You mean I can’t have a pet with me while I’m here?”
He just looked at me.

Now, regarding the vampires.. um, I mean the lab techs whose job it was to take blood from the patients. I gave them the most trouble. Mind you, not intentionally. They had trouble trying to find a vein to get blood from me. Of course it would start with the same “name/date of birth” routine. Then the fun would really begin.
There was one lab tech especially who went from being champion of the blood suckers to being brought down to equal footing with the rest of them. He was a big, bald headed dude; could have been a relative of Mr. Clean. He was the champion blood sucker because supposedly he could find a good vein on a patient and take the necessary blood on the first try without any problems. Until he met me.
He came into my room early one morning, waking me up. He had his needle and tubes at the ready. It was probably from the sleep in my eyes, but I could swear he had a devilish grin on his face; fangs glistening with the blood from the previous patient. He starts off with the usual “can you tell me your name and date of birth?” And I give him the usual “yes i can”. Even half asleep I can make someone crazy with my weird sense of humor. He gives up on that question and then tells me he is there to take some blood, all the while trying to find a vein to use in either arm. I tell him “good luck”. He laughs. I laugh. He thinks he found a good vein to use, and pricks me with his needle. Nothing comes out (seriously). He looks for a different vein; same thing. I tell him “told you”. He chuckles. After a few more tries he gives up and has a look of dejection on his face. I defeated the champion blood sucker because I had run out of blood in my body.

Actually, what was happening was this..
If any of you reading this have had extended stays in a hospital at some point in your life, may I say “Bless you” and I sincerely hope you are much better now. You especially will understand what I am talking about regarding having blood taken from you three or sometimes four times a day.
With my having been in the hospital for as long as I was, it was literally starting to take its toll on my blood vessels. They were basically running out of blood. The lab techs would ask if I was drinking plenty of water, as it would help the flow of the blood. Unfortunately I was on a fluid restriction; 1500mL per day. So that did not help, me or the techs. Eventually the lab stopped trying to get blood from me four times a day.
In the meantime, the nurses had placed a sign on the door to my room to indicate that I was on a fluid restriction. Why they did that I am not sure. I kept asking the nurse or her aide if they would change the sign so it would read “Please do not water the patient!” They all laughed but said it could not be done or they might get into trouble.

Now, as far as food was concerned..
The hospital food was actually not too bad. I was surprised to find out they prepared most of it themselves. After three weeks of having a limited selection to choose from, I began craving some other foods. Which of course I was not allowed to have while in there. And it did not help with all the food commercials shown on television. Plus, some of those being advertised had restaurants either right across the street or just down the road a few blocks away. Fried chicken; pizza; homemade-style burgers and fries; etc.
I was also having cravings for some of my Philly favorites – soft pretzels and cheesesteaks. Neither of which can be found down here. At least not true honest to goodness soft pretzels and cheesesteaks. But I was never able to successfully con any of the staff to get me any of the foods I was craving. Even after describing the deliciousness of these items to those who never had the pleasure of partaking a true Philly cheesesteak or soft pretzel. You could tell they were starting to crave those things also by the hunger in their eyes and drooling of the mouths. Alas.

Anyways, I’m home now. Healing slowly but healing at least. I still can’t have some of the foods I was craving. Eventually I will have to make my own soft pretzels and Philly-style cheesesteaks I guess. I’ve done it before. As for my blood, I think it is gradually replenishing itself.
And as for my weird sense of humor, that is gradually healing as well. So I hope to begin writing more and posting again soon.
Oh, and one bit of advice. Especially if for whatever reason you have a lengthy hospital stay. Try to get a room at the end of the corridor, near the stairwell. You’ll have better air flow, and won’t set off the smoke alarm as quickly when you light up the bbq grill to cook up some ribs for dinner. And don’t forget to make enough for the nurses on duty also. They will appreciate it!

Would you believe…

A girl I used to know had just broken up with her boyfriend. She decided to try one of those online dating services to meet someone new. Giving much thought as to what she wanted to write on her profile, she decided she wanted to meet someone who was a little older and more mature. And also, someone who would take care of her. She was not necessarily the brightest of people, though. Because she was on a diet, she titled her profile as “Sugar Substitute Daddy Wanted!”

New York City Plays Host to Superhero Convention

assorted superheroes
Resembles a Costume Party
The Big Apple was the site of this year’s sixth annual Superhero Convention. The three-day event was sponsored by Burpee Cola, the caffeine and sugar-free tasteless soft drink. The convention was held at the famed Macadamia-Hysteria Motel. In attendance were all the big names and long time superhero favorites such as Spiderman, Aquaman, The Green Hornet, and Wonder Woman.
After spending two days attending various crime fighting symposiums, the superheroes got a bit rowdy on the last day of the convention. Unconfirmed reports from several eyewitnesses tell us that Superman was spotted leaving a local tavern, staggering down the sidewalk, As he flew away from the gathering crowd he accidentally tipped the Empire State Building. Efforts are underway to contact Superman to correct this issue.
Meanwhile, it was reported tiny superhero Atom Ant was accidentally stepped on in a crowded elevator. He was not seriously hurt. Also, the police had to keep the Green Lantern away from all intersections controlled by traffic lights, as he was confusing drivers. And, the military tried in vain to restrain the Hulk’s cousin, She-Hulk, as she kept swatting planes out of the sky. In her own defense, she claims it was “that time of the month.”
Preparations are already underway for next year’s convention.

Man Killed in Freak Accident at Air Show

Lakehurst Naval Airstation, NJ – A man was killed over the weekend while visiting the air show being held at the Naval Airstation in Lakehurst, NJ. A blimp, the Graf Zeppelin 2, had to make an emergency landing due to electrical problems. The pilot of the airship was not able to make it to the mooring, and it landed on top of several cars in the parking lot instead. It was while going through the wreckage of the automobiles that the victim was discovered. The victim was identified as Fred Magillicuddy of 713 Burning Bush Road, Grovers Mills, NJ. Fred was 61 years old. At first it was believed Mr. Magillicuddy suffered a severe blow to the head from the accident, as it appeared that his tongue was hanging out, and there was a lot of blood covering his face. Upon further investigation, it was determined that Fred had been eating a hot dog with lots of ketchup on it.

Would you believe…

wind surfing

a new use for a beach umbrella?

Once, I was watching a person wind surfing in one of the nearby bays. From the distance something did not appear right. As the surfer approached the beach I realized he had no sail, but he did have spiked hair. Very high, very stiff spiked hair. I watched him as he surfed around the inside of the bay for a few minutes; all he needed to do was to turn his head to change directions. As he turned his head once again, a very strong gust of wind came along and quickly carried the surfer out to sea. A Coast Guard ship found him a few hours later laying exhausted on top of his board in calm waters. The surfer’s spiked hair had been bent in different angles, thus causing him to spin out of control.

Makin’ Bacon

One more true story. Again, this one takes place while I was a driving instructor back in New Jersey.
I, personally, plus with students driving, had driven down a country road numerous times and never paid much attention to the happenings at a local farm. One day, with a student driving, as we were passing this particular farm, I just happened to look over and seen something I was not expecting to see. You all have heard the term “makin’ bacon”, I’m sure. Well, as we went past the farm, that’s exactly what two hogs were doing; making bacon. Just curious though; would that have been called doing it “piggy style”? Talk about squealing! 😀

Nightmare on Main Street


man wearing tutu and tights

Can Rambo top this?

For those of you who remember watching the “Dumbo”.. oops, sorry, I mean “Rambo” movies. Specifically, the one where “Rambo” utters the line “I’m your worse nightmare.” Well, for me, he would not be my worse nightmare. Mine would be performing in a ballet as the male lead, having to catch a 400 pound person, wearing a tutu and tights, when they do their leap.
Can you say “Oh oh!” 😀

More Old Jokes

For some reason when I was younger, elephant jokes used to be very popular. Among people I mean, not the elephants. But then again, who knows what kind of sense of humor an elephant has.
Um, anyways.. There is one elephant joke I still remember from time to time, and it goes like this:
Oh, one more thing.. I am not the person responsible for writing them either, so don’t blame me. 😀

Q: Why is it dangerous to walk in the jungle between 3 and 5 in the afternoon?
A: That’s when elephants are jumping out of trees.
Q: Why are pygmies so short?
A: Because they were walking in the jungle between 3 and 5 in the afternoon.

I did not say they were all funny jokes. I just said they were popular for some reason. And don’t ask me why I remember this particular joke either. My brain works in mysterious ways; when it does work that is. 😀

Would you believe…

I went to one of the local seafood markets for the first time. Among the displays of the usual supposedly “fresh” catches, they also had the tanks for lobsters and crabs. Near the end was a third tank; it was labeled “Fresh Imitation Krab” with fake crabs floating inside.

crab smoking cigarette

Smoked Crab?