Once, I was watching a person wind surfing in one of the nearby bays. From the distance something did not appear right. As the surfer approached the beach I realized he had no sail, but he did have spiked hair. Very high, very stiff spiked hair. I watched him as he surfed around the inside of the bay for a few minutes; all he needed to do was to turn his head to change directions. As he turned his head once again, a very strong gust of wind came along and quickly carried the surfer out to sea. A Coast Guard ship found him a few hours later laying exhausted on top of his board in calm waters. The surfer’s spiked hair had been bent in different angles, thus causing him to spin out of control.
Um… We have a very bright sun here today. Some days I wish there was a way to turn down its brightness; like you do with a 3-way lamp. Especially when I forget to wear my sunglasses when I go outside. I thought I was seeing spots before my eyes, until I realized it was the neighbor’s dog. (Yeah, I know; another bad joke. I keep warning you they all can’t be gems. I’m not proud. 😀 )
I used to have a cat named Spottie. She was a long haired white cat with big black spots. In the winter she used to love going outside in the snow. The only way I knew where she was, was from the big black spots she had. You would see them moving in the snow. (Cue the theme music from “Jaws”.) Spottie would come inside to dry off; I would help the process by drying her with a towel. Then she’d go back outside and run around again. Then come back in to get towel dried again. And repeat once more. She loved that towel.
One town where I lived, the neighbors had 2 huge dogs. I think they would put saddles on the dogs and ride them whenever they had car problems. The dogs were afraid of the cat; she’d chase them all over the place.
If I was late getting home from work, along with her sister and brother, the three of them would be standing at the door, with their front paws on their hips (if cats have hips), and a look on their faces that said “Where you been? We’re hungry; feed us!” And of course at night, me trying to sleep, I’d wake up to find one of them on my chest. They took turns every night sleeping on top of me.
Yes, I do agree with many of you. Cats are not our pets; we are theirs. We do not own them; they own us. But it is worth it.
Have a great weekend all! And enjoy your St. Paddy’s Day too. Just don’t try to dye your pets green. They will not like it; guaranteed.
Tryouts Being Held For the Substitute U.S. Ski Team
by Bob Podorny
Hundreds of amateur and semi professional skiers flooded this small Vermont town yesterday in hopes of being selected as one of the new members of the U.S. Ski Team. Lines at the ski lifts stretched for miles with skiers waiting to take their turns on the slopes. Meanwhile, those trying out for the cross country team didn’t fare much better. There were numerous accidents reported as skiers kept running into or over each other. The police set up traffic control devices in hopes of solving some of the problems. Several police were spotted cruising on snow mobiles or riding on the backs of moose, issuing tickets to skiers that were going too fast. Two of the people recognized who are trying out for the ski team are the infamous Bigfoot and his famous European cousin the Abominable Snowman. Asked by this reporter why he was trying out for the U.S. team, “Snowy” said: “Well, Bob, Big told me how good the skiing conditions were here lately, thanks to the blizzard of ’13, so I thought this would be a great time to take a skiing vacation. Besides, after the cannibalism incident with the Swiss ski team, they won’t let me hang out with the gang any more. I mean, you tell me. What’s the harm of eating one or two of your teammates when you get hungry and there is nothing else to eat for miles around?” And then this hungry look came over Snowy’s face. Realizing what was about to happen, I quickly turned and started to run hoping he wouldn’t be able t . . .” Editor’s note: Due to unfortunate circumstances Sports Reporter Bob Podorny was not able to finish this story. Our condolences to his family.
(image found on google. on a side note: in doing the search for this image, why was there also an image of Lindsay Lohan dressed in a white fur coat among those images? seriously, there she was! and she didn’t even look half scary, for a change!)
Our beloved owner’s pet cat, Pete, was credited this past week with saving the lives of the staff and the elderly residents of Lulu’s Retirement Home, located at 1313 Wedgie Road in Peat Moss, OK. Pete, who reportedly had been chasing a squirrel around the neighborhood, ran up a tree in the front yard of the home. When he realized he was too far up to jump down, Pete began to cry for help. The crew and tenants at Lulu’s, all 13 of them, came outside in an attempt to help get the cat out of the tree. While doing so, a strong gust of wind, which the National Weather Service later determined was a tornado, blew by and picked up the house from its foundation, and dropped it in a wheat field a mile away. The home’s owner, Miss Lulu LaForge, told us: “Pete is a genuine hero. If it wasn’t for him being stuck in that tree, we would have all been inside that thing when the tornado hit. Who knows what could have happened to us.” One of the residents, Mrs. Dorothy Graham, was asked where she will live now, only said: “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”
U.S. Ski Team Buried Under Avalanche
While training for an upcoming cross country skiing competition in the mountains of Colorado, the U.S. Ski Team was buried under an avalanche of snow. The avalanche is believed to have been triggered when one of the members let out a tremendous sneeze. The team members were finally rescued after having been trapped under the avalanche for two days. All of them were in a state of deep freeze when found. They were taken to a nearby hospital for treatment. A specially heated room was setup in the hospital, with the temperature of the room set at 150 degrees. When the young men and women who make up the ski team were brought in they were quickly taken to this special room. Once inside, the hospital staff removed the frozen clothes then placed the men and women on individual beds, and wrapped each one with thermal blankets in hopes of speeding up the thawing process. Upon returning to the room about eight hours later to check on the members, one of the nurses found several of them almost completely thawed out. On one of the beds though, she found only the blankets that had been covering the team member, and a puddle of water. There was no sign of the skier anywhere. When asked if she had any idea as to what happened, the nurse was quoted as only saying: “Isn’t that the darnest thing. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Oops! I said too much, didn’t I.” Tryouts for substitute ski team members will be held next week.
Officially, we still have a little over one month of the winter season. I mention this because the weather forecast today was calling for a chance of snow in my area, but mostly rain.
It got me to wondering; some of the songs we sing during the Christmas season do not necessarily really have anything to do with Christmas, as the holiday is not mentioned in those songs. To me at least, they more so seem to be about the winter season in general. Such as the song “Let It Snow”. I mean, when you think about it, does it have to be Christmas for the weather outside to be frightful?
So, with that in mind, I bring you my warped version of “Let It Snow”. And to make it more fun, my suggestion is to sing it in as deep a voice as possible.
(sung to the tune of “Let It Snow”)
Oh, the weather outside is scary,
And I wish I wasn’t hairy,
There’s no place where I really want to go,
Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow;
I don’t like to go mall shopping,
So instead I’ll go bar hopping
And I’ll drink until I can’t stand on my own,
Let it flow, let it flow, let it flow;
And when I finally get real high
I’ll go home with a strange cute guy,
I’ll try to cuddle and hold him tight,
But instead I’ll pass out for the night;
Oh, the weather outside is scary,
And yes, my name is Mary,
I’ll stay home and smoke another toke,
Let it snow,
Let it snow,
Let it snow!!!
Mrs. Edna Schirkner, beloved wife of this newspaper’s owner, was thought to have been attacked by a polar bear recently in her home. When asked to describe what had happened, Mrs. Schirkner told us: “With all of that darn snow outside, and the sun shinin’ brightly off of it, I couldn’t see that good without my sunglasses. I had opened the door to get my mail, and I seen this huge beast was coming up the sidewalk towards the front door, walking on its hind legs. And the odor it had was real funky. So I figured it had to be some type of bear. As quickly as I could, I grabbed my baseball bat that I keep by the door in case of a burglar, and began to beat the thing over the head with it. The beast started screaming my name, and for me to stop hitting him. Turned out it was my husband, who had been stranded for three days because of the blizzard of ’13. When I asked him about the smell and he told me about the moose, I hit him some more with the baseball bat. I’ve warned him before about messin’ around with those critters.”
The Great Blizzard of 2013 dumped as much as three feet or more of snow over most of the northeast part of the United States this past Saturday. This reporter is just now able to tell his story after having been stranded in a small log cabin located somewhere in the Green Mountains of Vermont with my pet cat, Pete; an albino moose; and three naked Eskimo women. After one day, the stress of being without a television, no computer, and no means of communication with the outside world, began to take its toll. And those Eskimo women – they started to make me crazy. All they wanted to do was have sex all day and night. Unfortunately, it was with each other. If it wasn’t for the moose, the loneliness would have really done me in.
Another true story:
Several years ago, after a very mild winter in my home state in the north, I had called one of my aunts who lives in the western half of North Carolina. I asked her how the winter was for them. She told me it was also very mild; they only had a few flakes floating around. I told her we had only a few flakes floating around as well, but the men in the white jackets came and took them away.
Weather Forecasters Fear The Worst
The nations weather forecasters are frantically searching for clues to when the winter of ’13 will be over as the not-as-famous groundhog, Lackawanna Larry, never came out of his hole this February 2, Groundhog Day. The primary fear is that the little critter may be ill, or, possibly dead. There was a report of a road kill sighting on a back road out of town earlier this week. But further investigation revealed that it was a skunk and not a groundhog that had been hit. A member of a local animal rescue team was brought in to help with the investigation. When all attempts to lure Larry out of his hole failed, including the groundhog mating call, team member Warren Schnauzer risked his life by crawling into the hole in search of Larry. Upon emerging from the hole Warren held a piece of paper in his hands. It was a handwritten note from the groundhog. It said: “I have decided to retire from the business. Am moving to Arizona with my wife to enjoy our remaining years in the hot weather. Goodbye, Larry.” After reading the note Warren said he did not really believe it was written by the groundhog. “Larry always used to write his messages on a typewriter,” Warren was quoted as saying. The investigation continues.