Nightmare on Main Street

 

man wearing tutu and tights

Can Rambo top this?

For those of you who remember watching the “Dumbo”.. oops, sorry, I mean “Rambo” movies. Specifically, the one where “Rambo” utters the line “I’m your worse nightmare.” Well, for me, he would not be my worse nightmare. Mine would be performing in a ballet as the male lead, having to catch a 400 pound person, wearing a tutu and tights, when they do their leap.
Can you say “Oh oh!” 😀

Sung to the tune of..

Okay, first of all, this song parody is not my doing, so don’t blame me. This was originally done back in the early ’60s.
I was reminded of it, unfortunately, while visiting with my younger sister and her family. Her youngest daughter and her soon-to-be 1 year old grandson live with her. The baby, his name is Mason, has a toy which, when he hits a button on it, plays part of a tune. One of the tunes is an old folk song called “On Top of Old Smoky”. Back around 1963 someone had the idea of writing and performing a parody of that song, titled “On Top of Spaghetti”. Thus the unfortunate part of this story. That song is now stuck in my head. Someone please help me get it out! Aaarrrrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!
Enjoy! 😀

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Cooking with Edna

Today’s Recipe: Road Kill Stew
with special guest Chef Ramsay
“What do you mean ‘special guest’? Who the heck is Chief Ramsey?”
“Say what? He’s famous? For what?”
“Chef? What the heck is a ‘chef’?” Sounds to me like some fancy word to get paid extra money for cookin’ up a batch of fresh catfish.”
“He does what? He goes around yellin’ at all the other chefs? Well, heck. If he thinks he’s gonna do that to me, he’s got another think comin’. Where’s my shotgun? He tries yellin’ at me I’ll fill that sucker’s butt so full of buckshot he’ll wish he stayed home instead.”
Stay tuned for the next episode of Cooking with Edna when her special guest will be Guy Fieri.
Guy: “Hey! No thanks! I’m not going anywhere near Edna.”

Mistaken Identity

Through the ages I have traveled cross country and into Canada a few times, meeting a lot of different peoples and working a few different jobs. It has been quite an adventure. For me personally, I think it was a better learning experience than college could ever provide. Book learning is one thing, but experiencing life in general is something else. I’ve met an old Native American Indian chief, and a girl who proclaimed herself to be a full-fledged honest to goodness cauldron stirring witch. I never saw the cauldron, but I did, on occasion, catch a scent of what smelled like a stew cooking. I even had the good fortune to meet the great Muhammad Ali one time.
I met a lady from Santa Monica who “dabbled” in psychiatry. One day, after a friendly visit with much conversation and sipping iced tea, she told me she thought I was the sanest person she ever met. I looked at her square in the eye and said: “What? Are you crazy?” She laughed, but I was serious. For a change.
Anyways, what has been fun for me was, just about everywhere I traveled there would always be a few people who would mistake me for someone else. I know there is a saying about how we each have a twin. But I must have sextuplets times three or four.
Once while working in a restaurant in New Jersey, a slightly older couple came up to pay their tab. The gentleman looked at me and said: “You look like our son-in-law.” I replied: “Sir, I’ve never touched your daughter!”
This time in San Diego, during the autumn season on a Sunday, I would go to the beach and do some writing. Later in the day I would visit a nearby pub, watch a football game and order a pizza. Then go home when the game was finished. One Sunday after arriving home, a group of my friends asked me what I had done that day. I told them where I was. Every one of them could swear on a stack of bibles they had seen me in downtown San Diego, when I was at the beach. Okay, so they actually swore on a stack of old MAD magazines, but you get the point.
One time I let myself “go”; in other words, I had let my hair and beard grow long. How long? Let’s just say I could have been the brother of one of the ZZ Top band members. A lady friend once mentioned I looked like Jesus. So I had this thought: I’d get me one of them monk robes; go to a tent revival meeting; enter through a side of the tent with the sun behind me so all the people inside would see a silhouette figure. Then, in a loud voice proclaiming: “Alright, people. Where is all that money you have supposedly been collecting in my name?”
What I used to get a lot was “Hey, Jerry!”, referring to the late Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead. I never thought I looked like him, but apparently many others did. Young and old alike. Once, as a driving teacher, I had my student pull into the parking lot of a convenience store. I needed to use the pay phone to call the office. Yes, it was before the days of everyone owning a cell phone or three. As we are entering the lot, someone comes out the store heading for their vehicle. Seeing the “Student Driver” bumper sticker on the car, he immediately yells out: “Damn student driver!” We ignored him, of course. After the student parked our car, as I walked to the pay phone, the same person was leaving in his car. He sees me and yells out: “Hey, Jerry!” I yelled back: “You moron! I’m the same person you just yelled at for having a student driver!” He left in a hurry.
The moral of all this? Beats the heck out of me. But it was fun! 😀
Have a good one!

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Teaching People How to be Vain for Over 40 Years
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Gunman Take Hostages at Local Health Food Store

Force them to eat fatty snack foods
This past week, in a suburb of Cincinnati, OH three burglars burst into a local health food store brandishing what appeared to be handguns and cases of assorted snack foods. Eyewitness reports from the scene indicate the burglars had the hostages, numbering approximately 13 including the store clerk, pair up with each other. The hostages were then handed packages of the assorted foods – hot dogs, fried BBQ pork rinds, potato chips, macaroon cookies, and other foods containing large amounts of fats. At gunpoint they were forced to feed the snack foods to each other, one morsel after another, until each individual was literally “so full they could burst”. The gunmen themselves enjoyed the various foods, mostly to prove to their hostages there was nothing wrong in eating them. It was only after the gunmen started dozing from eating so much the hostages had a chance to escape. Eyewitnesses claim before the third hostage had a chance to exit the building the gunmen started to wake up. Armed with Hostess® Twinkies® and Ding-Dongs® the hostages pelted the gunmen to complete their escape. The burglars were subsequently arrested, tried, and convicted. As their punishment they were forced to work at the local organic farmer’s market.

In a related story, it was reported fast food giants McDonald’s, Burger King, and others, were inserting subliminal messages into their television and radio commercials encouraging the public to eat at their establishments up to 3, 4, even 5 times a day. The bulk of the food to be purchased and consumed being ¼ pound burgers, large fries, giant shakes, and other fatty, high caloric foods. Despite the FCC, FTC, the Justice Department, and the makers of Friskies® brand pet foods not finding any evidence of subliminal messages in any of their commercials, attorneys for numerous obese people are still insistent on taking their case all the way up to the US Supreme Court. They are blaming those companies and others for their clients weight problem. One of the attorney’s assistants, speaking on condition of anonymity, said one of the clients thought of Ronald McDonald as a father figure. “Why would any father force their child to eat food that wasn’t good for them over and over again?” Mr. McDonald had no comment at this time. He just stood there with that big silly grin on his face.

Sung to the tune of…

sort of..
Old cowboy songs.. my twisted version 😛

“Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam, and watch all the mess you’ll have to clean up..”

“Home, home for the strange,
Where the freaks and the weirdos all play,
Where seldom is heard an encouraging word,
And everyone is rowdy all day;”

Is this legal?

Occasionally, when I pay a visit to my younger sister at her house, she will be watching television. This in itself is not a big deal, except for what she is watching. Usually those “People Court” type shows. One time, I thought she was watching something on Comedy Central. A rerun of an “SNL” sketch of one of those programs. But no, it was an actual court room studio. The judge was telling jokes, and the spectators looked like they were ready to jump up and either shout “Amen” or “Hallelujah”.
Another time, she was watching a channel that had been broadcasting an actual trial live. I guess it was during a recess period of the trial the network had analysts giving their views of the proceedings up to that point in time. It reminded me of a football game’s halftime show. Maybe this is part of the reason our judicial system is in much need of repairs.
Which brings us to this.. my satirical version of the network legal analysts.

(off screen announcer)
“Now it’s time for The Truth or Dare Network’s Legal Analysis Halftime Show with Bob and Fred.
“This first portion of our Legal Analysis Halftime Show is brought to you by Boris’ Electrical Company. Makers of fine quality electric chairs since 1951. The newest model chair, the “Fryer 3000” comes with titanium clamps and leather straps. It also features several settings – Slightly Singed; Toasted; and Deep Fry. This new chair also has a microwave setting for heating up something quickly. So at your next gathering, try out the new Fryer 3000 electric chair.
“Now, here’s Bob and Fred.”
Bob: “Welcome, everybody, to the Truth or Dare Legal Analysis Halftime Show. Today’s program features Betty Miller on trial for allegedly killing her boyfriend by choking him with her dry meatloaf.”
Fred: “That’s correct, Bob. Betty’s defense attorney claims she served the meal with plenty of gravy to keep the meatloaf moist, and a bottle of dry red wine to help wash the meal down. Meanwhile, the prosecution claims by her serving the dry wine, that only made the meatloaf more difficult to swallow, as it was absorbed by the meat.”
Bob: “I don’t think the prosecution has much of a case based on that assumption, Fred.”
Fred: “Why is that, Bob?”
Bob: “Dry wine is not actually ‘dry’, Fred.”
Fred: “Gotcha, Bob.”
Bob: “We’re gonna break for a quick commercial then come back with the second half of the Truth or Dare Legal Analysis Halftime Show.”

(a few minutes later; announcers Bob and Fred)
Bob: “Welcome back, viewers. The second part of our halftime show is brought to you buy your local Super Walmart.
Fred: “That’s where I do all my shopping, Bob. Good ol’ Wally’s World.”
Bob: “I don’t think we should refer to it as “Wally’s World, Fred.”
Fred: “Why is that, Bob?”
Bob: “I heard there is an adult book store that goes by that name, Fred.”
Fred: “Gotcha, Bob.”
Bob: “We’re going to replay the prosecution’s giving a piece of evidence to the judge. It looks like a piece of the meatloaf, Fred.”
Fred: “It does indeed, Bob, as our overhead cam zooms in on the plate the prosecutor is holding. Does that look dry to you, Bob?”
Bob: “Possibly, Fred. During the commercial break I thought I overheard the prosecutor yelling at someone for bringing him a piece of the meatloaf that was not covered up properly. Which could account for why it looks so dry now, Fred.”
Fred: “Indeed, Bob. I understand even the court’s guide dog would not eat the meatloaf.”
Bob: “Smart dog, Fred.”
Fred: “I think the dog’s name is Rex, Bob.”
Bob: “Gotcha, Fred.”
Bob: “That’s all for now, viewers. Be sure to stay with us after the trial recesses for the day when we will highlight all the courtroom proceedings. See ya later, Fred.”
Fred: “See ya later, Bob.”

(open mic, heard off camera as the closing credits roll)
Fred: “Hey, Bob. I’m hungry. I was thinking of trying that new sandwich shop next door. I hear they make a good meatloaf sandwich.”
Bob: “Sounds good to me, Fred. Let’s go.”

Cat Rescues Residents of Retirement Home

Our beloved owner’s pet cat, Pete, was credited this past week with saving the lives of the staff and the elderly residents of Lulu’s Retirement Home, located at 1313 Wedgie Road in Peat Moss, OK. Pete, who reportedly had been chasing a squirrel around the neighborhood, ran up a tree in the front yard of the home. When he realized he was too far up to jump down, Pete began to cry for help. The crew and tenants at Lulu’s, all 13 of them, came outside in an attempt to help get the cat out of the tree. While doing so, a strong gust of wind, which the National Weather Service later determined was a tornado, blew by and picked up the house from its foundation, and dropped it in a wheat field a mile away. The home’s owner, Miss Lulu LaForge, told us: “Pete is a genuine hero. If it wasn’t for him being stuck in that tree, we would have all been inside that thing when the tornado hit. Who knows what could have happened to us.” One of the residents, Mrs. Dorothy Graham, was asked where she will live now, only said: “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”

bill the cat

Personal Ads

Single white male, 29, 3’1″, 170 #; into pudding wrestling, smoking dried banana peels, Mickey Mouse tattoos, and skating on thin ice, looking for single white female with similar interests. No weirdos.