Today in Sports

Inter-Galactic All-Pro Football Team To Play All-Pro Team From NFL

Saturn moon Titan

Surface drawing of Titan, one of Saturn’s moons.

In an effort to strengthen relations with our universal neighbors, officials with the NFL have agreed to play a series of games over the next ten years with an all-pro squad made up of players from teams in the Beldan Football League. Details were still sketchy at press time, but according to one unofficial source, the first game is to be played in the year 2020 on Titan, one of Saturn’s moons. The game will be played on a different planet each year. Earth is tentatively scheduled for the year 2026. The planet Belda is tentatively scheduled for star date 50231.7.

One of the obstacles right now is trying to figure out how to transport the players from Earth to the game sites. It is rumored that engineers from some of the Beldan League territories are willing to come to Earth to help our engineers design and build a craft capable of making these journeys. They want to be certain not many time warps will be involved during the trips.

planet Belda

The planet Belda, in the Beldan Galaxy, with its 3 moons Oy, Vey, and Xxly.

Another obstacle will be in determining the proper amount of breathable air for the players of both teams. Since the Beldan’s air is comprised mostly of helium and nitrous oxide, NFL officials want to make sure their players will take the games seriously. Officials with the BFL could not be reached for comment at this time.

On this date in history

Joe Pitowski, former famous mud wrestler, was defeated for the title of world champion on this date. He later went to work at a detergent manufacturing plant outside of Peoria, IL. Joe earned the nickname “Mr. Clean” from some of his co-workers after having tripped and fell into a vat of the liquid. The liquid removed all the hair from his head and body, and Joe has been sparkling ever since.
(names have been changed to protect the not so innocent.)

Gunman Take Hostages at Local Health Food Store

Force them to eat fatty snack foods
This past week, in a suburb of Cincinnati, OH three burglars burst into a local health food store brandishing what appeared to be handguns and cases of assorted snack foods. Eyewitness reports from the scene indicate the burglars had the hostages, numbering approximately 13 including the store clerk, pair up with each other. The hostages were then handed packages of the assorted foods – hot dogs, fried BBQ pork rinds, potato chips, macaroon cookies, and other foods containing large amounts of fats. At gunpoint they were forced to feed the snack foods to each other, one morsel after another, until each individual was literally “so full they could burst”. The gunmen themselves enjoyed the various foods, mostly to prove to their hostages there was nothing wrong in eating them. It was only after the gunmen started dozing from eating so much the hostages had a chance to escape. Eyewitnesses claim before the third hostage had a chance to exit the building the gunmen started to wake up. Armed with Hostess® Twinkies® and Ding-Dongs® the hostages pelted the gunmen to complete their escape. The burglars were subsequently arrested, tried, and convicted. As their punishment they were forced to work at the local organic farmer’s market.

In a related story, it was reported fast food giants McDonald’s, Burger King, and others, were inserting subliminal messages into their television and radio commercials encouraging the public to eat at their establishments up to 3, 4, even 5 times a day. The bulk of the food to be purchased and consumed being ¼ pound burgers, large fries, giant shakes, and other fatty, high caloric foods. Despite the FCC, FTC, the Justice Department, and the makers of Friskies® brand pet foods not finding any evidence of subliminal messages in any of their commercials, attorneys for numerous obese people are still insistent on taking their case all the way up to the US Supreme Court. They are blaming those companies and others for their clients weight problem. One of the attorney’s assistants, speaking on condition of anonymity, said one of the clients thought of Ronald McDonald as a father figure. “Why would any father force their child to eat food that wasn’t good for them over and over again?” Mr. McDonald had no comment at this time. He just stood there with that big silly grin on his face.

Sung to the tune of…

sort of..
Old cowboy songs.. my twisted version 😛

“Oh, give me a home where the buffalo roam, and watch all the mess you’ll have to clean up..”

“Home, home for the strange,
Where the freaks and the weirdos all play,
Where seldom is heard an encouraging word,
And everyone is rowdy all day;”

Is this legal?

Occasionally, when I pay a visit to my younger sister at her house, she will be watching television. This in itself is not a big deal, except for what she is watching. Usually those “People Court” type shows. One time, I thought she was watching something on Comedy Central. A rerun of an “SNL” sketch of one of those programs. But no, it was an actual court room studio. The judge was telling jokes, and the spectators looked like they were ready to jump up and either shout “Amen” or “Hallelujah”.
Another time, she was watching a channel that had been broadcasting an actual trial live. I guess it was during a recess period of the trial the network had analysts giving their views of the proceedings up to that point in time. It reminded me of a football game’s halftime show. Maybe this is part of the reason our judicial system is in much need of repairs.
Which brings us to this.. my satirical version of the network legal analysts.

(off screen announcer)
“Now it’s time for The Truth or Dare Network’s Legal Analysis Halftime Show with Bob and Fred.
“This first portion of our Legal Analysis Halftime Show is brought to you by Boris’ Electrical Company. Makers of fine quality electric chairs since 1951. The newest model chair, the “Fryer 3000” comes with titanium clamps and leather straps. It also features several settings – Slightly Singed; Toasted; and Deep Fry. This new chair also has a microwave setting for heating up something quickly. So at your next gathering, try out the new Fryer 3000 electric chair.
“Now, here’s Bob and Fred.”
Bob: “Welcome, everybody, to the Truth or Dare Legal Analysis Halftime Show. Today’s program features Betty Miller on trial for allegedly killing her boyfriend by choking him with her dry meatloaf.”
Fred: “That’s correct, Bob. Betty’s defense attorney claims she served the meal with plenty of gravy to keep the meatloaf moist, and a bottle of dry red wine to help wash the meal down. Meanwhile, the prosecution claims by her serving the dry wine, that only made the meatloaf more difficult to swallow, as it was absorbed by the meat.”
Bob: “I don’t think the prosecution has much of a case based on that assumption, Fred.”
Fred: “Why is that, Bob?”
Bob: “Dry wine is not actually ‘dry’, Fred.”
Fred: “Gotcha, Bob.”
Bob: “We’re gonna break for a quick commercial then come back with the second half of the Truth or Dare Legal Analysis Halftime Show.”

(a few minutes later; announcers Bob and Fred)
Bob: “Welcome back, viewers. The second part of our halftime show is brought to you buy your local Super Walmart.
Fred: “That’s where I do all my shopping, Bob. Good ol’ Wally’s World.”
Bob: “I don’t think we should refer to it as “Wally’s World, Fred.”
Fred: “Why is that, Bob?”
Bob: “I heard there is an adult book store that goes by that name, Fred.”
Fred: “Gotcha, Bob.”
Bob: “We’re going to replay the prosecution’s giving a piece of evidence to the judge. It looks like a piece of the meatloaf, Fred.”
Fred: “It does indeed, Bob, as our overhead cam zooms in on the plate the prosecutor is holding. Does that look dry to you, Bob?”
Bob: “Possibly, Fred. During the commercial break I thought I overheard the prosecutor yelling at someone for bringing him a piece of the meatloaf that was not covered up properly. Which could account for why it looks so dry now, Fred.”
Fred: “Indeed, Bob. I understand even the court’s guide dog would not eat the meatloaf.”
Bob: “Smart dog, Fred.”
Fred: “I think the dog’s name is Rex, Bob.”
Bob: “Gotcha, Fred.”
Bob: “That’s all for now, viewers. Be sure to stay with us after the trial recesses for the day when we will highlight all the courtroom proceedings. See ya later, Fred.”
Fred: “See ya later, Bob.”

(open mic, heard off camera as the closing credits roll)
Fred: “Hey, Bob. I’m hungry. I was thinking of trying that new sandwich shop next door. I hear they make a good meatloaf sandwich.”
Bob: “Sounds good to me, Fred. Let’s go.”

Cat Rescues Residents of Retirement Home

Our beloved owner’s pet cat, Pete, was credited this past week with saving the lives of the staff and the elderly residents of Lulu’s Retirement Home, located at 1313 Wedgie Road in Peat Moss, OK. Pete, who reportedly had been chasing a squirrel around the neighborhood, ran up a tree in the front yard of the home. When he realized he was too far up to jump down, Pete began to cry for help. The crew and tenants at Lulu’s, all 13 of them, came outside in an attempt to help get the cat out of the tree. While doing so, a strong gust of wind, which the National Weather Service later determined was a tornado, blew by and picked up the house from its foundation, and dropped it in a wheat field a mile away. The home’s owner, Miss Lulu LaForge, told us: “Pete is a genuine hero. If it wasn’t for him being stuck in that tree, we would have all been inside that thing when the tornado hit. Who knows what could have happened to us.” One of the residents, Mrs. Dorothy Graham, was asked where she will live now, only said: “There’s no place like home. There’s no place like home.”

bill the cat

Personal Ads

Single white male, 29, 3’1″, 170 #; into pudding wrestling, smoking dried banana peels, Mickey Mouse tattoos, and skating on thin ice, looking for single white female with similar interests. No weirdos.