Today in Sports

Tryouts Being Held For the Substitute U.S. Ski Team
by Bob Podorny
Hundreds of amateur and semi professional skiers flooded this small Vermont town yesterday in hopes of being selected as one of the new members of the U.S. Ski Team. Lines at the ski lifts stretched for miles with skiers waiting to take their turns on the slopes. Meanwhile, those trying out for the cross country team didn’t fare much better. There were numerous accidents reported as skiers kept running into or over each other. The police set up traffic control devices in hopes of solving some of the problems. Several police were spotted cruising on snow mobiles or riding on the backs of moose, issuing tickets to skiers that were going too fast. Two of the people recognized who are trying out for the ski team are the infamous Bigfoot and his famous European cousin the Abominable Snowman. Asked by this reporter why he was trying out for the U.S. team, “Snowy” said: “Well, Bob, Big told me how good the skiing conditions were here lately, thanks to the blizzard of ’13, so I thought this would be a great time to take a skiing vacation. Besides, after the cannibalism incident with the Swiss ski team, they won’t let me hang out with the gang any more. I mean, you tell me. What’s the harm of eating one or two of your teammates when you get hungry and there is nothing else to eat for miles around?” And then this hungry look came over Snowy’s face. Realizing what was about to happen, I quickly turned and started to run hoping he wouldn’t be able t . . .” Editor’s note: Due to unfortunate circumstances Sports Reporter Bob Podorny was not able to finish this story. Our condolences to his family.

abominable snowman

“Snowy”

(image found on google. on a side note: in doing the search for this image, why was there also an image of Lindsay Lohan dressed in a white fur coat among those images? seriously, there she was! and she didn’t even look half scary, for a change!)

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Today in Sports

U.S. Ski Team Buried Under Avalanche 
While training for an upcoming cross country skiing competition in the mountains of Colorado, the U.S. Ski Team was buried under an avalanche of snow. The avalanche is believed to have been triggered when one of the members let out a tremendous sneeze. The team members were finally rescued after having been trapped under the avalanche for two days. All of them were in a state of deep freeze when found. They were taken to a nearby hospital for treatment. A specially heated room was setup in the hospital, with the temperature of the room set at 150 degrees. When the young men and women who make up the ski team were brought in they were quickly taken to this special room. Once inside, the hospital staff removed the frozen clothes then placed the men and women on individual beds, and wrapped each one with thermal blankets in hopes of speeding up the thawing process. Upon returning to the room about eight hours later to check on the members, one of the nurses found several of them almost completely thawed out. On one of the beds though, she found only the blankets that had been covering the team member, and a puddle of water. There was no sign of the skier anywhere. When asked if she had any idea as to what happened, the nurse was quoted as only saying: “Isn’t that the darnest  thing. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Oops! I said too much, didn’t I.” Tryouts for substitute ski team members will be held next week.