Today in Sports

New Event to Debut at the Next Summer Olympic Games
The 2016 summer Olympics to be held in Rio de Janeiro will see the debut of a new sport, The Granny Shopping Cart Triathlon. It will be the first sport in Olympic history to feature female athletes over the age of 70. We understand training for this new sport has already begun. We have been told at this time the top contenders to compete are Adalaide Miller from Yorkshire, England, and Ilsa Komerov from Romania. An anonymous source with the Olympic commitee has described the triathlon as such: The grannies will compete in the high hurdles, where the object is to jump over an empty shopping cart. Then, while pushing the cart, they race up and down the store aisles filling the basket as high as possible without spilling anything. The final event is the melon toss, in which each athlete must toss several large melons into the full shopping cart without the melon breaking, and then make a mad dash for the cash register. The granny having the most trouble finding her change purse and coupons wins.