A New Pope

Pope Francis

image found on gurgle, oops.. i mean google

Maybe some of you have also seen this.. Yesterday, while perusing some of the pages on Yahoo, there was an ad sponsored by newsmax.com. (I would not click on anything of theirs for any reason. But hey, that’s my opinion.) Anyways.. It had a picture of Pope Francis with the lines “Do You Approve of The New Pope?” and “Vote Now”. The last time I checked, I was not a Cardinal nor a Bishop, and neither was I part of the Papal Conclave that elected Pope Francis. So whether or not I approve of the new pope does not matter in the grand scheme of things. Besides, I am probably in enough hot water as it is with God from all the satirical stuff I’ve written about religion and previous popes. So of course I approve of His Holiness. Why should I risk being hit with even more lightning bolts.
Which brings me to this thought: Since we are all considered children of God, is being Pope part of a family business that gets handed down from one generation to the next?

Cooking with Edna

Today’s Recipe: Road Kill Stew
with special guest Chef Ramsay
“What do you mean ‘special guest’? Who the heck is Chief Ramsey?”
“Say what? He’s famous? For what?”
“Chef? What the heck is a ‘chef’?” Sounds to me like some fancy word to get paid extra money for cookin’ up a batch of fresh catfish.”
“He does what? He goes around yellin’ at all the other chefs? Well, heck. If he thinks he’s gonna do that to me, he’s got another think comin’. Where’s my shotgun? He tries yellin’ at me I’ll fill that sucker’s butt so full of buckshot he’ll wish he stayed home instead.”
Stay tuned for the next episode of Cooking with Edna when her special guest will be Guy Fieri.
Guy: “Hey! No thanks! I’m not going anywhere near Edna.”

Advertisement – Cold Turkey Brand

Howdy, folks. The former Marlboro man here. Have you been trying to quit smoking but keep getting roped back into it? Are you tired of your 200mm long cigarette breaking before you were able to smoke half of it? Tried one of those electronic cigarettes, but you can’t get a long enough power cord for when you mow the lawn? Well looky here, we got some good news for ya. Announcing Cold Turkey Brand’s Stop Smoking Kit. With Cold Turkey, you can light up one of the fake cigarettes just like a real one. As soon as you light one up, that smell of burning mushroom soil takes over. Why, you’ll be barfin’ up your guts quicker than you can whistle “Smoke, Smoke, Smoke (That Cigarette)”. You will never want another cigarette again.
And for those of you trying to quit drinking, look for Cold Turkey Brand’s non-alcholic beer and whiskey too. Made from the same fine quality ingredients as the real stuff, but without the taste.

Thought for the Day

Faster than a speeding bullet?

starship enterprise

Starship enterprise at warp speed,
image found on google

So let’s see.. we have “air” speed; “land” speed; “linear” speed; we also have the speed of sound, plus the speed of light. And maybe even faster-than-light speed  (or warp speed) some day. Of all of these different speeds, is “god” speed faster or slower than any of them? And, where do I find that on my gear shift?

Mistaken Identity

Through the ages I have traveled cross country and into Canada a few times, meeting a lot of different peoples and working a few different jobs. It has been quite an adventure. For me personally, I think it was a better learning experience than college could ever provide. Book learning is one thing, but experiencing life in general is something else. I’ve met an old Native American Indian chief, and a girl who proclaimed herself to be a full-fledged honest to goodness cauldron stirring witch. I never saw the cauldron, but I did, on occasion, catch a scent of what smelled like a stew cooking. I even had the good fortune to meet the great Muhammad Ali one time.
I met a lady from Santa Monica who “dabbled” in psychiatry. One day, after a friendly visit with much conversation and sipping iced tea, she told me she thought I was the sanest person she ever met. I looked at her square in the eye and said: “What? Are you crazy?” She laughed, but I was serious. For a change.
Anyways, what has been fun for me was, just about everywhere I traveled there would always be a few people who would mistake me for someone else. I know there is a saying about how we each have a twin. But I must have sextuplets times three or four.
Once while working in a restaurant in New Jersey, a slightly older couple came up to pay their tab. The gentleman looked at me and said: “You look like our son-in-law.” I replied: “Sir, I’ve never touched your daughter!”
This time in San Diego, during the autumn season on a Sunday, I would go to the beach and do some writing. Later in the day I would visit a nearby pub, watch a football game and order a pizza. Then go home when the game was finished. One Sunday after arriving home, a group of my friends asked me what I had done that day. I told them where I was. Every one of them could swear on a stack of bibles they had seen me in downtown San Diego, when I was at the beach. Okay, so they actually swore on a stack of old MAD magazines, but you get the point.
One time I let myself “go”; in other words, I had let my hair and beard grow long. How long? Let’s just say I could have been the brother of one of the ZZ Top band members. A lady friend once mentioned I looked like Jesus. So I had this thought: I’d get me one of them monk robes; go to a tent revival meeting; enter through a side of the tent with the sun behind me so all the people inside would see a silhouette figure. Then, in a loud voice proclaiming: “Alright, people. Where is all that money you have supposedly been collecting in my name?”
What I used to get a lot was “Hey, Jerry!”, referring to the late Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead. I never thought I looked like him, but apparently many others did. Young and old alike. Once, as a driving teacher, I had my student pull into the parking lot of a convenience store. I needed to use the pay phone to call the office. Yes, it was before the days of everyone owning a cell phone or three. As we are entering the lot, someone comes out the store heading for their vehicle. Seeing the “Student Driver” bumper sticker on the car, he immediately yells out: “Damn student driver!” We ignored him, of course. After the student parked our car, as I walked to the pay phone, the same person was leaving in his car. He sees me and yells out: “Hey, Jerry!” I yelled back: “You moron! I’m the same person you just yelled at for having a student driver!” He left in a hurry.
The moral of all this? Beats the heck out of me. But it was fun! 😀
Have a good one!

Sung to the tune of..

wake up little susie

Vinyl 45rpm recording of the song

(sung to the tune of “Wake up Little Susie”)
(with sincerest apologies to Don and Phil Everly)
Woke Up With a Doozy

“Woke up with a doozy, woke up,
Woke up with a doozy, woke up,
The movie wasn’t so hot
So we smoked up all the pot,
Our heads are hurtin’ and it’s for certain
That we are gonna get caught,
Woke up with a doozy,
Woke up with a doozy;
Well, what’ll we tell your mama,
What’ll we tell your pop,
He’s loadin’ the shotgun and chasin’ me,
I hope I don’t get shot;
Woke up with a doozy,
Woke up with a doozy;”

um, you get the idea 😀

Where’s my car?

Walking through the parking lot towards the store I thought I heard someone talking to me. I looked around only to find nobody nearby. But I still heard a voice not too far away calling out. “Okay, I’m hearing things,” I think to myself. I listen closely and realize the “voice” is a recorded one. It repeats itself for about a minute. I look in the direction from which the voice was coming. It was the backup alarm on a vehicle. The owner had installed one that would call out about the car being in reverse and for anyone walking behind it to be careful. “Cool,” I thought to myself. Then I had another thought.. It would be even cooler if there was a programmable backup alarm. One that you can have call out “GET OUT OF THE WAY, MORON!” Or perhaps, “Move a little faster, will ya!”

Walking back to my vehicle after completing my mission inside the store, I had another thought. How many of you have had that occasion or two when waving handyou forgot where you parked your vehicle? Some of those parking lots are so huge you would need a GPS to find your car or truck. Instead, you hit that little button on the key fob several times to set off the horn or alarm to help guide you through the maze of parked vehicles. So then, why not with the alarm or horn, you have a foam or plastic hand that pops up and waves to you to help you find your vehicle. Maybe that can be programmable as well to say something such as “I’M OVER HERE!” as the hand is waving.

Oh, and one more thought.. If anyone reading this should successfully develop either of these ideas, just remember.. My ideas, so we split the profits. 😛