Does Anyone Truly Know What Time It Is?

For some of you reading these posts, you are familiar with the fact I was a behind-the-wheel driving instructor for a number of years. On occasion, some of those trips took my students and I into territory filled with large dairy farms. Most of you, or all of you, by now are familiar with my occasional warped sense of humor as well.
As we drove past these areas, I would let a few of my students in on some fun “facts” about dairy farms. Such as; you get chocolate milk from the brown cows. Also, if you see a trampoline either inside or outside of the barn, that is how they get milkshakes. Hey; don’t scoff. I once had a student believing a cat had gone through metamorphosis while we were practicing the art of parallel parking. But that’s a story for another time. 😀
Anyways.. In one town, there was a road that took us through a dairy farm. The road basically cut the pasture in half. On either side of the road, standing tall, was a DOT issued warning sign that read “Beware of Cattle Crossing Between 5AM and 7AM; and, 3PM and 5PM” [sic]. Of course, my first thought was, since when do cows know how to tell time?
Here’s where the warped sense of humor comes into play. After reading the sign, my thoughts immediately turned to these: The boss cow gathers the herd together for a meeting. He informs the herd, “tomorrow we are going to have some fun with those drivers. Tomorrow we are going to cross that road a half hour early. George and Henry, you guys go out first and make sure to stop any traffic that comes ’round until the rest of the herd reaches the other side of the road so no one gets hurt. We’ll teach those humans a lesson about taking all our milk money from us!”

On a side note; with the price of milk as high as it is at the moment, are cows still contented or are they ecstatic?

Feeling a Little Sheepish

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Broni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd… “If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?”
The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully-grazing flock and calmly answered, “Sure.”
The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM Thinkpad and connected it to a cell phone, then he surfed to a NASA page on the internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database and an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he prints out a 130 page report on his miniaturized printer then turns to the shepherd and says……. “You have exactly 1586 sheep.”
“That is correct; take one of the sheep.” said the shepherd. He watches the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.
Then the shepherd says: “If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my animal?” “OK, why not.” answered the young man.
“Clearly, you are a consultant.” said the shepherd. “That’s correct.” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answers the shepherd. “You turned up here although nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don’t know crap about my business…. Now give me back my dog.”

(reprinted with permission)

Man Sues Restaurant He Owns After Spilling Hot Coffee on Himself

“Coffee was too hot,” man claims.
A lawsuit was filed recently by a man who wants to sue his own place of business. Bert Hinkle, owner of Bert’s Beanery and Bagel Shop, allegedly spilled coffee on himself while pouring the hot liquid into a cup he was allegedly holding. Mr. Hinkle claims that the diner’s policy of keeping the pot of coffee hot is unfair to those people who don’t like drinking hot beverages. “I know for myself, I like to add just enough milk so I don’t burn the roof of my mouth,” he said. The lawsuit is seeking $500,000 in damages.
When asked about the lawsuit, an attorney for the restaurant, Mr. Louis Silverspoon, said: “This whole thing is a scam. We have three witnesses who said they seen Hinkle spill the coffee on purpose. An investigator working on this case has told me that Hinkle has some gambling debts, and he has been working on various schemes of getting the money to pay them off.” Mr. Hinkle, who will be representing himself should the case go to court, denies these allegations. Jury selection begins next week.

Peace in Our Time?

I found this piece earlier today. It is something I wrote a little over 30 years ago. I wish I could say this is some form of humor, but it is not.
Considering all the unnecessary killings that seem to occur on a daily basis in this country. Plus all the wars that have been happening in various areas on this planet. It is something that may still be relevant.
This piece was inspired by a line from either an old “Twilight Zone” or “Outer Limits” television episode. I am sorry to say I do not remember the name of the episode; if someone out there does know the name, please let me know. Thank you.
Hope you like this and give it some thought.

Somewhere, out towards the edge of Time, walks a Creature, known only to a handful of humans; the majority of these beings do not seem to want to get to know the Creature, almost as if they fear it; but there is nothing to fear, for the Creature brings harm to no one and nothing; the small group of humans who know the Creature cannot help it, the Creature needs the help of all; but the Creature has a fear of its own; it shall never enter the world of the human beings until their existence has ended, for it is written: “As long as there is Man, there will never be Peace.”

Old Joke

If anyone should ever ask if you hear voices and do not know where they are coming from, answer: “Yes”. Then, when they ask how often does it happen, tell them: “Every time you answer the phone”!

Sometimes, talking to yourself is the best way to have an intelligent conversation.

Smart Cars

There are smart phones, and now smart cars. Are we getting dumber as a species that some of our everyday devices are smarter than us? I hope not.
I am not one for small cars. I like plenty of leg and head room when I drive so I am comfortable. Mind you, I don’t like them gas guzzlers either, such as the Bummer; oops Hummer I mean. I call them “Bummers” because I would get bummed out over the price of fuel each time I had to fill the tank.
I remember when the first Honda Civic came out many years ago. To me, it looked like two motorcycles had been glued together. I used to joke with people about how some of those small Japanese cars were made out of recycled beer or soda cans. And if you open the glove box, you would find the pop-top.
I dated a girl once who had a small sports car. I had to go through the sun roof to get in and out of it.
On the plus side with the small cars, if you were not able to find a parking space, you could always carry it around with you.
Also, it is a good idea to have two of those small cars. If you had problems starting the car, or if you ran out of fuel, you could always strap one to each foot, put them in neutral, and use them as roller skates!
Have a good one!

So, Here’s a Question for You

I just happened to be looking out the window. I seen both a cardinal and a blue bird sitting on the branches of a nearby tree. Now me, with my warped sense of humor I was wondering.. If a red bird and a blue bird mated and had babies, would the baby birds be purple?