Man Sues Restaurant He Owns After Spilling Hot Coffee on Himself

“Coffee was too hot,” man claims.
A lawsuit was filed recently by a man who wants to sue his own place of business. Bert Hinkle, owner of Bert’s Beanery and Bagel Shop, allegedly spilled coffee on himself while pouring the hot liquid into a cup he was allegedly holding. Mr. Hinkle claims that the diner’s policy of keeping the pot of coffee hot is unfair to those people who don’t like drinking hot beverages. “I know for myself, I like to add just enough milk so I don’t burn the roof of my mouth,” he said. The lawsuit is seeking $500,000 in damages.
When asked about the lawsuit, an attorney for the restaurant, Mr. Louis Silverspoon, said: “This whole thing is a scam. We have three witnesses who said they seen Hinkle spill the coffee on purpose. An investigator working on this case has told me that Hinkle has some gambling debts, and he has been working on various schemes of getting the money to pay them off.” Mr. Hinkle, who will be representing himself should the case go to court, denies these allegations. Jury selection begins next week.

Peace in Our Time?

I found this piece earlier today. It is something I wrote a little over 30 years ago. I wish I could say this is some form of humor, but it is not.
Considering all the unnecessary killings that seem to occur on a daily basis in this country. Plus all the wars that have been happening in various areas on this planet. It is something that may still be relevant.
This piece was inspired by a line from either an old “Twilight Zone” or “Outer Limits” television episode. I am sorry to say I do not remember the name of the episode; if someone out there does know the name, please let me know. Thank you.
Hope you like this and give it some thought.

Somewhere, out towards the edge of Time, walks a Creature, known only to a handful of humans; the majority of these beings do not seem to want to get to know the Creature, almost as if they fear it; but there is nothing to fear, for the Creature brings harm to no one and nothing; the small group of humans who know the Creature cannot help it, the Creature needs the help of all; but the Creature has a fear of its own; it shall never enter the world of the human beings until their existence has ended, for it is written: “As long as there is Man, there will never be Peace.”

Magic Shop Disappears

Owner Consults Psychic for Help
In what at first appeared to be a bizarre case, Madeline’s Magic Shop and Ice Cream Parlor was reported missing two days ago. The owner, Madam Madaline Madison, told us she could not remember doing any incantations that would have caused the disappearance. “I had an exorcism to perform that morning, which took me longer than expected, and made me about three hours late to open the store for business. But when I got there the building was gone,” she told us. “A friend of mine, who is a psychic, was supposed to help me look for it. But she had a very bad head cold, and could only tell me that I will soon meet a handsome stranger and fall in love with him. So I went to the police. No, not to report my friend. When I got there they told me my store had been demolished. All of the land in that area is going to be cleared to make way for a new mall. Then I remembered all the people who kept coming into my shop telling me I had to move. I did not like them, so I turned them all into bullfrogs. When they build the mall, I think I’ll open up a pet store. I’ll have a grand opening sale of bullfrogs. Hey, mister, you want one?”

Television Review

“Religion with Aaron Johnstone”
Here’s one program that has all the makings of a three ring circus. Except that it is television ministry. The worst part was you couldn’t tell the difference. During the introductions of the supporting cast I could swear there was a clown in the show. Turns out it was Rev. Johnstone’s wife wearing a bright red wig of really big hair, and about a half ton of makeup. After the intros, the good reverend himself comes out onto the stage riding an albino moose, followed by a small child with a pooper scooper. I half expected a peanut vendor roaming through the studio audience. In tonight’s so called sermon, Rev. Johnstone tried to convince, or should I say con, the audience into sending him all their hard earned money. Which is nothing new. This time, according to Aaron, it was because God had gotten involved in a high stakes poker game against the Devil. And if God loses, then the Devil will be calling Aaron home. I, for one, hope that jokers are wild.

Do Inquiring Minds Really Want to Know This?

I spent some time yesterday reviewing ideas for new articles, and looking through older pieces. The following is something I wrote about 10 years ago. This was an actual headline I had read on one of the supermarket tabloids while awaiting my turn in queue to checkout:

OPRAH’S BUTT GROWS BY 3 INCHES” is one of the headlines on the front page of one of the supermarket tabloid papers recently. Now, I did not read the article and I didn’t care to either. I don’t really care how big her butt is. And I cannot think of anyone whom I know personally who cares about her butt size. Other than her family and closest of friends being concerned, for the rest of you GET A LIFE!
My question is this: Who is the lucky person to have the job of measuring how big her butt is? And how often do they have to perform that job?
My take on what that article may say goes like this: “Earth shaking news! Oprah’s butt grows by 3 inches! Doorways will need to be widened! Her limo will need to be stretched in a different direction! The set for her talk show, especially all the chairs, will need to be redone! What type of advice will Dr. Phil give? Will the audience and her guests talk about this behind her back? (Sure, why not. There is plenty of room back there!)”
Okay, so some of you reading this will say that wasn’t very nice or it wasn’t politically correct. And that maybe we went a bit too far with the comments. Well, let me just say this about that: We only went a couple of inches. We could have stretched it out further!

Letter to the Editor

Deer Editor: I am righting writing to complane about all the pot on my street. Oops, I mean potholes. O course, why they are called potholes is beyond me. Ever time i seen one it never look like a pot to me. Anyhoo, ever year is the same thing, the pavement cracks and comes apart. And then the broken peaces get scattered all over the place and you wind up with dad gum holes in the road. And it seems like the road crews don’t bother fixin em til the summer. My car has run over so many of the blasted things that its all bent and crocked crooked. Why just the other day i ran over a real big one over on maple street. If it werent fer the homeless family living in there my car woulda fell in it. So, anyways, thats why i am writin this here letter. Yours trudy, Fred Smith.

It’s a trap!

Old joke:

A man rushes into a local hardware store. He tells the clerk: “I’m in a hurry. I have to catch a bus. I need a mouse trap.” To which the clerk replies: “I’m sorry, sir. We don’t have any mouse traps that big.”

(yeah, i know, bad joke. but hey, they can’t all be gems 😀 )

Flood Closes Topless Night Club

No serious injuries reported.

Flooding closed the popular topless night club, Les Girls, last weekend. The flooding was caused by a malfunctioning thermostat that allowed the inside of the club to build up too much heat. The excessive heat then caused the silicone breast implants worn by all of the dancers to melt, and the silicone leaked out of the breasts. When the dancers realized what was happening, they tried to leave to get to the nearest hospital for help, but the customers would not let them, thinking it was part of a new act by the showgirls. As the club’s manager was placing an emergency call to all area plastic surgeons, the customers finally realized what was going on, panicked, and rushed for the exits, leaving all thirty dancers stranded on the three foot high stage. Finally, rescuers from the Coast Guard arrived, managing to wade through the knee high level of melted silicone, and get the dancers to nearby hospitals for emergency plastic surgery. All of the ladies are doing fine. Though some of them were talking funny after the surgery. We asked one of the doctors, who also was talking a bit funny, why they were doing so. He replied: “We tried a new method of breast implants. We used helium gas. Some of it may have escaped into the air before we could close the valve on the tank.”

Scientists Discover Cure for Common Sense

“Since very few people seem to use it, why have it at all,” says one.

In a small laboratory located in the Swiss Alps, scientists lauded the discovery of a cure for the dreaded disease, Common Sense. Though only afflicting about one percent of the earth’s population, doctors believe it will take at least ten years to manufacture and distribute enough of the serum to wipe out the disease completely. We spoke with the head research scientist on this project, Dr. Gregori Razzpuddin. We asked him what makes this discovery so important. His reply: “After many years of studying human behavior patterns, we determined it was easier to rid the population of Common Sense than to attempt to teach it to those that chose not to use it. Now everybody will have the same stupid and erratic behavior. The only drawback is in the United States. The people at the Food and Drug Administration say it could be at least twenty years before the serum can be used there. Which makes no sense to us whatsoever.”