Gunman Take Hostages at Local Health Food Store

Force them to eat fatty snack foods
This past week, in a suburb of Cincinnati, OH three burglars burst into a local health food store brandishing what appeared to be handguns and cases of assorted snack foods. Eyewitness reports from the scene indicate the burglars had the hostages, numbering approximately 13 including the store clerk, pair up with each other. The hostages were then handed packages of the assorted foods – hot dogs, fried BBQ pork rinds, potato chips, macaroon cookies, and other foods containing large amounts of fats. At gunpoint they were forced to feed the snack foods to each other, one morsel after another, until each individual was literally “so full they could burst”. The gunmen themselves enjoyed the various foods, mostly to prove to their hostages there was nothing wrong in eating them. It was only after the gunmen started dozing from eating so much the hostages had a chance to escape. Eyewitnesses claim before the third hostage had a chance to exit the building the gunmen started to wake up. Armed with Hostess® Twinkies® and Ding-Dongs® the hostages pelted the gunmen to complete their escape. The burglars were subsequently arrested, tried, and convicted. As their punishment they were forced to work at the local organic farmer’s market.

In a related story, it was reported fast food giants McDonald’s, Burger King, and others, were inserting subliminal messages into their television and radio commercials encouraging the public to eat at their establishments up to 3, 4, even 5 times a day. The bulk of the food to be purchased and consumed being ¼ pound burgers, large fries, giant shakes, and other fatty, high caloric foods. Despite the FCC, FTC, the Justice Department, and the makers of Friskies® brand pet foods not finding any evidence of subliminal messages in any of their commercials, attorneys for numerous obese people are still insistent on taking their case all the way up to the US Supreme Court. They are blaming those companies and others for their clients weight problem. One of the attorney’s assistants, speaking on condition of anonymity, said one of the clients thought of Ronald McDonald as a father figure. “Why would any father force their child to eat food that wasn’t good for them over and over again?” Mr. McDonald had no comment at this time. He just stood there with that big silly grin on his face.

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