Newspaper Owner’s Wife Attacked by a Polar Bear

Mrs. Edna Schirkner, beloved wife of this newspaper’s owner, was thought to have been attacked by a polar bear recently in her home. When asked to describe what had happened, Mrs. Schirkner told us: “With all of that darn snow outside, and the sun shinin’ brightly off of it, I couldn’t see that good without my sunglasses. I had opened the door to get my mail, and I seen this huge beast was coming up the sidewalk towards the front door, walking on its hind legs. And the odor it had was real funky. So I figured it had to be some type of bear. As quickly as I could, I grabbed my baseball bat that I keep by the door in case of a burglar, and began to beat the thing over the head with it. The beast started screaming my name, and for me to stop hitting him. Turned out it was my husband, who had been stranded for three days because of the blizzard of ’13. When I asked him about the smell and he told me about the moose, I hit him some more with the baseball bat. I’ve warned him before about messin’ around with those critters.”

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