Today in Sports

Inter-Galactic All-Pro Football Team To Play All-Pro Team From NFL

Surface drawing of Titan, one of Saturn’s moons.

In an effort to strengthen relations with our universal neighbors, officials with the NFL have agreed to play a series of games over the next ten years with an all-pro squad made up of players from teams in the Beldan Football League. Details were still sketchy at press time, but according to one unofficial source, the first game is to be played in the year 2020 on Titan, one of Saturn’s moons. The game will be played on a different planet each year. Earth is tentatively scheduled for the year 2026. The planet Belda is tentatively scheduled for star date 50231.7.

One of the obstacles right now is trying to figure out how to transport the players from Earth to the game sites. It is rumored that engineers from some of the Beldan League territories are willing to come to Earth to help our engineers design and build a craft capable of making these journeys. They want to be certain not many time warps will be involved during the trips.

The planet Belda, in the Beldan Galaxy, with its 3 moons Oy, Vey, and Xxly.

Another obstacle will be in determining the proper amount of breathable air for the players of both teams. Since the Beldan’s air is comprised mostly of helium and nitrous oxide, NFL officials want to make sure their players will take the games seriously. Officials with the BFL could not be reached for comment at this time.

Today in Sports

Tryouts Being Held For the Substitute U.S. Ski Team
by Bob Podorny
Hundreds of amateur and semi professional skiers flooded this small Vermont town yesterday in hopes of being selected as one of the new members of the U.S. Ski Team. Lines at the ski lifts stretched for miles with skiers waiting to take their turns on the slopes. Meanwhile, those trying out for the cross country team didn’t fare much better. There were numerous accidents reported as skiers kept running into or over each other. The police set up traffic control devices in hopes of solving some of the problems. Several police were spotted cruising on snow mobiles or riding on the backs of moose, issuing tickets to skiers that were going too fast. Two of the people recognized who are trying out for the ski team are the infamous Bigfoot and his famous European cousin the Abominable Snowman. Asked by this reporter why he was trying out for the U.S. team, “Snowy” said: “Well, Bob, Big told me how good the skiing conditions were here lately, thanks to the blizzard of ’13, so I thought this would be a great time to take a skiing vacation. Besides, after the cannibalism incident with the Swiss ski team, they won’t let me hang out with the gang any more. I mean, you tell me. What’s the harm of eating one or two of your teammates when you get hungry and there is nothing else to eat for miles around?” And then this hungry look came over Snowy’s face. Realizing what was about to happen, I quickly turned and started to run hoping he wouldn’t be able t . . .” Editor’s note: Due to unfortunate circumstances Sports Reporter Bob Podorny was not able to finish this story. Our condolences to his family.

“Snowy”

(image found on google. on a side note: in doing the search for this image, why was there also an image of Lindsay Lohan dressed in a white fur coat among those images? seriously, there she was! and she didn’t even look half scary, for a change!)

Today in Sports

U.S. Ski Team Buried Under Avalanche 
While training for an upcoming cross country skiing competition in the mountains of Colorado, the U.S. Ski Team was buried under an avalanche of snow. The avalanche is believed to have been triggered when one of the members let out a tremendous sneeze. The team members were finally rescued after having been trapped under the avalanche for two days. All of them were in a state of deep freeze when found. They were taken to a nearby hospital for treatment. A specially heated room was setup in the hospital, with the temperature of the room set at 150 degrees. When the young men and women who make up the ski team were brought in they were quickly taken to this special room. Once inside, the hospital staff removed the frozen clothes then placed the men and women on individual beds, and wrapped each one with thermal blankets in hopes of speeding up the thawing process. Upon returning to the room about eight hours later to check on the members, one of the nurses found several of them almost completely thawed out. On one of the beds though, she found only the blankets that had been covering the team member, and a puddle of water. There was no sign of the skier anywhere. When asked if she had any idea as to what happened, the nurse was quoted as only saying: “Isn’t that the darnest  thing. This isn’t the first time something like this has happened. Oops! I said too much, didn’t I.” Tryouts for substitute ski team members will be held next week.

Today in Sports

New Event to Debut at the Next Summer Olympic Games
The 2016 summer Olympics to be held in Rio de Janeiro will see the debut of a new sport, The Granny Shopping Cart Triathlon. It will be the first sport in Olympic history to feature female athletes over the age of 70. We understand training for this new sport has already begun. We have been told at this time the top contenders to compete are Adalaide Miller from Yorkshire, England, and Ilsa Komerov from Romania. An anonymous source with the Olympic commitee has described the triathlon as such: The grannies will compete in the high hurdles, where the object is to jump over an empty shopping cart. Then, while pushing the cart, they race up and down the store aisles filling the basket as high as possible without spilling anything. The final event is the melon toss, in which each athlete must toss several large melons into the full shopping cart without the melon breaking, and then make a mad dash for the cash register. The granny having the most trouble finding her change purse and coupons wins.

Today in Sports

Drag Racing Finals
The 7th Annual Burpee Cola Drag Racing event was held this past weekend in Miami, FL. As always, it was a spectacle like no other to be found anywhere.
Here are the winners of the top three spots in the race:
Coming in first place was Bob Spindlehoffer of Nome, Alaska. Bob looked resplendent in his pink chiffon dress and white high top Nike sneakers. The long pearl necklace was just the right touch without being too gaudy.
In 2nd place was Alfredo Gnocchi of Spagatini, Italy. Fred was just adorable wearing a light blue tweed pants suit with a white lace shirt and low cut black Reeboks.
In 3rd place was Bruce O’Reilly of Blarney, Ireland. Bruce looked exquisite in a bright yellow jump suit with matching yellow Adidas sneakers and pearl drop earrings.

Today in Sports

Tragedy at Kingshead Water Polo Tournament Held at Liplock Resort
Tragedy marred the 1st annual Water Polo Tournament this past week, sponsored by the Kingshead Chess Company, and held at the Liplock Fantasy Resort and Health Spa near Duluth, Minnesota. Four horses and their riders drowned after the horses collided head-on when the players were each trying to hit the ball with their mallets. Reports from the site indicated that the riders fell off the horses to the bottom of the lake, and then the animals fell on top of the riders, pinning them underneath. By the time the divers reached the scene it was too late for both man and beast. When told that water polo was not played the same as regular polo, the owner of the Chess Company, Mr. Alfred Kingshead said: “Next year’s event will be held in the Mojave Desert. We found something called a dry lake bed, whatever that is, to play our tournament in. We can’t afford to lose any more horses.”